Censored.

In last night's Childbirth Ed class we watched THE video. You know...that one. The one that shows evvvverrryyyyyyything. Whoosh. Totally was not prepared for that.

I was proud of Joe and me for not giggling through the entire thing like tools. We actually held our composure very well. Mostly I think he was either going to vom or pass out, but if that's what it took to keep him from laughing, I'm all for it.

There was actually a series of videos. Yes, more than one...goodygoody. There was about a 3 minute clip for each of the 3 "stages" of labor, plus a final one for the afterbirth. We only giggled once (and quietly) when Madelyn said they were going to show the placenta on the film and not to be alarmed that it looked like a liver. Joe said, "We could eat it with some fava beans," and I said "Wonder if they serve crackers with it?" I know. We're 12.

They showed the same 3 or 4 women progressing through labor, intertwined with narrative interviews. It was some time into the 3rd video (alllllmost the birth) that I realized all of the women they were showing us were not drugged. False. Advertising.

At the end of the videos, Madelyn asked if there were any questions. I spoke up and said, "So at what point in the 4 stages that we just saw do they administer drugs?" (Cue laughter from 95% of the class. Miss Priss looked at me as if I had asked when I could shoot my baby up with heroin.)

Madelyn replied, "Well, that depends on what kind of drugs you want or need."

I said, "Pretty much the strongest ones they make."

Again with the looks from Miss Priss!

Now, I know a lot of moms (and dads) are all about natural births. And I applaud you, I really do. But if you've ever met me, you know that I am notsogood with pain. Like, I am a beeyotch when I get a freakin' papercut. So, yes. I will be accepting any and all medications offered to me when I go into labor, legal or otherwise. Deal with it.

Back to the videos. They were scary. They were loud. They were exhilarating. They were beautiful. It really is incredible how God made us work. I mean, He even thought to make the plates in a baby's head 5 different pieces to fit through the birth canal. Personally, I wish He would have made the birth canal just a smidge bigger, but I'll deal with what I've got. :)

To those that have never seen a real, unedited birth video, I can't wait until you do. And I want to hear all about it. I'm not talking TLC's "A Baby Story," either. Totally not the same thing. Not. Even. Close.