We Gradu-mi-tated!

Well, yee-haw, folks. Joe and I have officially graduated from baby school!!

Last night we had the 4th and final installment of our "Childbirth Education" class with dear, dear Madelyn. She really is a gem - even took time at the end of class to make sure that everyone had all of their burning questions answered before she set us free into the world to go forth and birth babies.

Except she wasn't really the one answering them. You can totally tell where I'm going with this, right? Miss Priss answered 80% of the questions people asked - and totally just cut off Madelyn (the triple-certified instructor PAID to teach this course) every time she knew an answer. For instance, Joe asked if she had any suggestions for introducing a dog to a baby, and no sooner had Madelyn opened her mouth to answer, Miss Priss just starts a-preachin':

"Well, I read...blah blah blah...buy a baby doll from Target...blah blah blah...wrap it in a washed baby blanket...blah blah blah...lay it on the floor for the dog to sniff...blah blah blah. We did it with our dog and his favorite room is now the baby's nursery...blah blah blah."

I really hate to break it to you, MP, but if there is something stuffed laying on the floor, Jake will destroy it. He will have all the stuffing out and eyeballs/other plastic parts removed faster than a NASCAR pit stop. A baby, on the other hand, is ALIVE. Something that can kick and scream and cry and confuse Mister Jake. Get over yourself. Your advice sucks.

In other Miss-Priss-sucks news, I decided that I was going "grunge" to last night's class. I was honestly so tired I probably could have gone naked and not noticed. But, in an effort to allow my classmates to keep their sight, I opted instead for a super-glam outfit consisting of these pants, a brown long-sleeved tee and a black/brown/gray WMU sweatshirt (GO BRONCOS!). I topped the look off with white socks and pink Crocs. I was truly a sight to behold.

Joe mocked me - but still allowed me to go to class dressed as such. Apparently, he didn't notice the Croc addition until we were walking into the building, at which point he burst into uncontrollable laughter and couldn't contain himself. I reminded him ever so snottily that he didn't marry me for my impeccable fashion sense, but instead for my rockin' ass...which is still quite awesome, thankyouverymuch.

So, you can imagine his response when MP waltzed into the classroom abso-friggin-lutely dressed to the nines. She was rockin' a supercute outfit AND high heels. He was laughing so hard that he almost had to leave the room for fear of looking rude. Grrr...that girl. Just my luck. She just HAAAAAD to show up looking perfect, didn't she? Ack.

Back to the original point of this post: we graduated! Which, in theory, should mean that we are armed and ready for WIP to arrive. Except as we were walking out of class, Joe turned to me and said, "Is it bad that I'm more scared now than I was before the class?"

Oh, yeah. Our kid's the luckiest. :)

Happy St. Patrick's Day!

My Happy Place.

Last night's class was actually relatively normal. I don't have any silly anecdotes to share, as both Joe and I were on our best behavior...and Miss Priss barely gave me a second glance.

We learned about different pain medications (I took copious notes), Cesarean birth and other rare but emergency birth situations. Then we pulled out the pillows and yoga mats to practice more breathing techniques and labor positions.

I'm pleased to report that we weren't the ones giggling through the breathing exercises this time - it was totally another couple. Love them!

The labor positions were actually kinda neat to practice. It wasn't cool watching perfect strangers propped up on their husbands all spread eagle (isn't that what got us in this situation in the first place?) and it was even WEIRDER watching Madelyn do them. I believe I've mentioned her weeble-wobble-like stature before...but she was surprisingly very limber. Go fig.

We also did some really cool visualization/relaxation techniques, and while I usually find things like that to be a bunch of mumbo jumbo, I really enjoyed myself last night. Madelyn had us all close our eyes and relax as she talked us through experiencing our "happy place" with all five senses.

She started by telling us to go to a safe place. And with no rhyme or reason I was instantly in my Grandma Neveau's kitchen. She passed away a few years ago, but was as vividly present in my mind as she's ever been. (Which is SO weird because my sister has been experiencing some of the same weird "Grandma is here" moments lately.) Anyway, I was sitting at her kitchen table and she was wearing her kitchen coat and open-toe slippers. She smelled of smoke and soap and was standing at the stove, like always. I could even feel her rough hands and raspberry kisses on my cheek. My Grandpa was there, too (he's still alive) and was smiling and laughing and talking at an unnecessarily loud decibel.

Again, I usually think this kind of stuff is hogwash and silly...but I was somewhere else entirely last night and it was so very cool. I certainly hope it works in a month or so when I would probably rather die than continue with labor pain. Help me out, Grams, will 'ya? :)

Censored.

In last night's Childbirth Ed class we watched THE video. You know...that one. The one that shows evvvverrryyyyyyything. Whoosh. Totally was not prepared for that.

I was proud of Joe and me for not giggling through the entire thing like tools. We actually held our composure very well. Mostly I think he was either going to vom or pass out, but if that's what it took to keep him from laughing, I'm all for it.

There was actually a series of videos. Yes, more than one...goodygoody. There was about a 3 minute clip for each of the 3 "stages" of labor, plus a final one for the afterbirth. We only giggled once (and quietly) when Madelyn said they were going to show the placenta on the film and not to be alarmed that it looked like a liver. Joe said, "We could eat it with some fava beans," and I said "Wonder if they serve crackers with it?" I know. We're 12.

They showed the same 3 or 4 women progressing through labor, intertwined with narrative interviews. It was some time into the 3rd video (alllllmost the birth) that I realized all of the women they were showing us were not drugged. False. Advertising.

At the end of the videos, Madelyn asked if there were any questions. I spoke up and said, "So at what point in the 4 stages that we just saw do they administer drugs?" (Cue laughter from 95% of the class. Miss Priss looked at me as if I had asked when I could shoot my baby up with heroin.)

Madelyn replied, "Well, that depends on what kind of drugs you want or need."

I said, "Pretty much the strongest ones they make."

Again with the looks from Miss Priss!

Now, I know a lot of moms (and dads) are all about natural births. And I applaud you, I really do. But if you've ever met me, you know that I am notsogood with pain. Like, I am a beeyotch when I get a freakin' papercut. So, yes. I will be accepting any and all medications offered to me when I go into labor, legal or otherwise. Deal with it.

Back to the videos. They were scary. They were loud. They were exhilarating. They were beautiful. It really is incredible how God made us work. I mean, He even thought to make the plates in a baby's head 5 different pieces to fit through the birth canal. Personally, I wish He would have made the birth canal just a smidge bigger, but I'll deal with what I've got. :)

To those that have never seen a real, unedited birth video, I can't wait until you do. And I want to hear all about it. I'm not talking TLC's "A Baby Story," either. Totally not the same thing. Not. Even. Close.

Apparently, WE Are The Weenies.

I don't even know where to begin with the recap of last night's class. All I can tell you is that the next 4 Tuesday posts are going to be simply riotous.

We walked into a room of about 10 couples - none who actually looked like they even LIKED each other, let alone felt amorous enough toward one another to make a baby - and found a seat near the back/side of the classroom. The teacher, Madelyn, was a stout woman (sort of shaped like a Weeble Wobble) but seemed friendly enough.

For an icebreaker, we all went around the room and answered some questions like, "What are you most looking forward to about labor and birth?" and "What's your favorite thing about being pregnant?" etc. etc. The other couples mostly had serious answers like, "I'm most looking forward to holding my precious little one." and "The best thing about being pregnant is feeling the baby kick."

Joe and I, on the other hand, were having WAY more fun than those stick-in-the-muds. Our answers were, "I'm most looking forward to labor and delivery being OVER." and "The best thing about being pregnant is eating copious amounts of ice cream." Yeah, we were that couple.

Speaking of that couple, I pretty much was able to pinpoint that girl in class after about the 3rd question was asked. You know, the girl who sits in the front of the class, knows the answer to EVERY question (and makes it known by shooting her hand in the air at lightning speed) and just all around knows everything about babies? Yeah...I shall refer to her from here on out as Miss Priss. She was a hoot. (Oh, and her uncle also happens to be a board-certified pediatrician, so she can refer you to the best of the best...and can also recite "What To Expect When You're Expecting" from cover to cover. Just in case you were wondering.)

The class itself was slightly useless, slightly informative. Did you know that fluid travels to the baby via the umbilical cord at 4 mph? Me either. Yipes.

We watched a video tour of the hospital, and the narrator kept referring to the birthing room as "the unit." As you can imagine, Joe and I could barely get the "that's what she said" references muttered fast enough. So, instead of distracting the class, we turned it into a drinking game. Every time the narrator said "unit" we had to drink a sip of water. Let's just say that I peed no less than 5 times during the 3 hour class. UNIT. UNIT. UNIT. :)

The best part was at the close of class when Madelyn turned out the lights and asked us all to lay our blankets on the floor and grab our pillows. Ahhh yes. The moment we've all been waiting for: nap time. Unfortunately, it was not nap time, but breathing technique time instead. Joe sat on the floor and I leaned into him - both of our hands placed on my belly. Madelyn instructed us to "breathe deep breaths in and out...as if you were on a swing."

Well, something about laying on the floor in total silence breathing deeply in an intimate moment among perfect strangers must have tickled Joe the right way. He started giggling and could. not. stop. It was like that church laughter when you're trying to be so quiet but you are laughing so hard you can't breathe so you end up making more noise than if you would have just laughed out loud in the first place.

Well, much like the giggles in church, I caught on and started laughing. We were both giggling so hard that neither of us could breathe and I had tears rolling down my cheeks. As only my luck would have it, Miss Priss and her hubby were on the blanket right next to us and were NONE too pleased at our interruption of their chi. So I just laughed right out loud and said, "I want a new partner!" Fortunately, that broke the ice and everyone else started laughing, too. It was JUST as awkward and stupid for everyone else, they just needed someone else to do it first. I'm glad we could fill the need and be that couple. :)

Over the next three weeks, we will learn more about the actual birth process and infant care. Hopefully we can be a bit more, um, composed and refined next week. Probably not, though. It's how we roll.

OH! And, Happy Fat Toose-day! :) In lieu of a paczki (I'm not a fan of anything in the doughnut family) I had a slice of banana chocolate chip bread from Starbuckies this morning. It's simply scrumptious.

Lamaze Is For Weenies.

Not entirely true, I know...but I've always thought that "lamaze" was a weird word. It's embarrassing to admit, but I always think of LeVar Burton when I hear it. Yeah, the man who hosted Reading Rainbow for the better part of my childhood truly has nothing to do with labor breathing techniques, but it's just one of those odd connection things my brain does.

So I'm pretty sure when I'm huffing and puffing (in the nose, out the mouth) in a few weeks, a strange and horrifying image of LeVar Burton will be burned into my brain. Something to look forward to...

Anyway, instead of a strictly lamaze class, Joe and I are taking the "Childbirth Education" class offered by Beaumont. Of the laundry list of courses they gave us, it seemed to be the one that covered the broadest spectrum of information for pre-birth, birth, and post-birth. (Post-birth sounds stupid, but it was the only way I could think to describe it.)

According to the syllabus, we'll learn everything from what to do when I start getting contractions to how to change a diaper. I imagine Joe will break the diaper changing part down into a formal process complete with indentified owners, lean/best practices and flow charts.

For tonight's class (the first!) I've been instructed to bring a pillow and a yoga mat. Honestly, this could be more entertaining than a night at the theatre. I wish they also would have thrown in some silly miscellaneous items just for grins and giggles. "Please also bring a deck of cards, a kazoo and a cup of sugar." Stay tuned for ridiculous recaps!

Also, I haven't downloaded all the pictures from the shower yet, but I promise to have a post on it soon!!