Wednesday, April 29, 2009

A Baby Story: Part 1.

I've decided to make this a little less overwhelming and break it up into sections. This particular excerpt will highlight water breakage to triage check-in.

Tuesday, April 14 was my first day off work. You might remember that I planned a leisurely week-ish off work prior to my due date to enjoy some much-needed "me" time. Weeeeeeeell, Alex obviously had other plans for Mommy.

It was a grand day. I slept in, watched some ellen (now programmed on DVR, thankyouverymuch) and then had a friend over to visit and practice her makeup for her wedding day...which is seriously right around the corner!

She left about 4 pm, so I klassed myself up and headed to Wal-Mart to gather some groceries for the week. There's truly nothing like a mid-afternoon Wally World run. I could dedicate an entire post to the types of creatures that come out that time of day. Yipes!

I digress.

I got home about 5:30 (entered the checkout line at 4:45 if that tells you anything...we live 2 minutes away). Joe got home from work about 6ish and we just chilled for awhile. As wife of the year, I spent all day slaving over dinner (frozen pizza) and popped it in the oven about 6:45. When the timer went off, I asked Joe to get the pizza out of the oven while I peed. I actually forgot about all my crazy trips to the bathroom until

I did my biz-nass and headed to the kitchen to get some cheesy deliciousness. But about 2 steps out of the bathroom I felt a crazy warm sensation in my pants. Oh, Kristi. This is so embarrassing. You JUST went. Did you seriously pee your pants?

Silently, I kicked it in reverse and hopped back on the toilet to asses the situation. Holy shit. This is not pee.

I screamed at decibel 100 to Joe (which was slightly unnecessary since the kitchen is honestly 10 feet from the bathroom), "JOE, MY WATER JUST BROKE AND I AM NOT SHITTING YOU!" Threw in that last part in case he thought I was jesting.

He screamed like a girl, dropped the pizza and ran to the bathroom. I was laughing hysterically at this point because I was oozing warmness out of my girlie parts uncontrollably. Seriously, no one tells you this. Your water doesn't "break." No. That makes it sound like a one-shot deal. It OOZES for hours and hours and hours and is gross, gross, gross.

I had Joe grab the "who to call when your water breaks/you go into labor/something else baby-related happens" sheet of paper and dialed the OB from the toilet. As expected, she told me to get myself to triage ASAP. Breathe in. Breathe out. No turning back now. Once your water breaks they do NOT send you home from the hospital without a baby. Ahhhhhh screaming on the inside. Ok. And the outside too.

I put on a pad and scampered around the house to get all the last minute things together. What? I thought I was going to have at least a week to accomplish all these things! By the time we got in the car (felt like an hour, was probably 10 minutes), I had soaked through about 7 pads. The super-duper absorbent ones. Joe grabbed me a towel to sit on in the car and we were off!

It is at this point in my post I would like to implore Jennifer Granholm to consider funding a road repair project for 14 Mile Road from Warren to Royal Oak. Every single bump (roughly eleventy billion) made more oozing occur. Ew. Ew. Ew. Really wish someone had warned me about this.

It should also be noted that it was during this ride that we called and texted friends and family to alert them of the situation. The same, "My water broke and I'm not shitting you," verbiage was used. Oh, and Mom and Dad? Way to pick up on the SIXTH time I called you. :)

ETA: Joe just reminded me that I forgot to add the part about how we GOT LOST in the hospital parking lot. The place is under construction, so everything is a one way or a no way. What's funny is that we'd been there THREE times already (tour, triage trip #1, triage trip #2...which was the DAY BEFORE). There is only one drive that gets you to the parking deck, and one drive that takes you to valet. We couldn't find the valet one to save our souls. After a few minutes of laughing hysterically (causing further oozage) and turning down every. single. street. We finally found it!

We valeted the car (greatest service on Earth) and I waddled up to the 3rd floor. Well, not before stopping in 2 bathrooms to replace my pad...again.

We filled out all the paperwork and the nice lady at the check-in table encouraged us to have a seat in the waiting room.

"Ummm, pretty sure you don't want me to sit on your chairs, lady."

And so, I sat on the toilet in the one-seater public restroom outside triage, oozing for 10 minutes until the nurse came for me. Joe knocked on the door to let me know they were I pulled up my britches and flushed the toilet for the last time as a pregnant woman. (Yay for catheters.)

Next up: from triage to epidural. That's gonna be a looooooong one.

Monday, April 27, 2009


Alex got his first bath the other night - it was so much fun! Since his cord hasn't fallen off yet we gave him what my Grandpa would call a "whore's bath." No soaking, just a scrub with a washcloth and a good ol' shampoo.

He LOVED the shampoo...gets that from his daddy. However, he was notsomuch a fan of the scrubbing and rinsing parts as indicated by this pic:

As I believe Alex himself mentioned in his own blog post, he will NOT be a fan of the baptismal font. Speaking of le baptism, I called our pastor today to get that scheduled. I'm hoping to be able to do it on Mother's Day...that would be cool. I'll know more when I get a call back.

And I'm sure I sound like a broken record, but I promise to get to the birth story soon. I honestly pick up my computer 3 times a day to do it, but reliving that experience isn't something I'm ready for just yet. I promise, promise, promise to do it within the week.

Alex, I'll just say "you're welcome" in advance for not posting horrifically embarrassing pictures of your first bath. You know, the ones of you laid out spread-eagle for all the world to see? You will thank me when you're 13 and all your little girlfriends are stalking my blog archives to find incriminating pictures to giggle over. I love you too, sweetie.

And to the 13 year old girls reading my blog in the future, stay away from my son. He can't date until he's 30.

Friday, April 24, 2009

What Up?

Hey, peeps. Alex here. Mom's taking a nap so I thought I would confiscate Dad's computer (Stewie-style) and rock out a blog post. Mom's been hogging it for 9 months so I jumped at the chance to update you on life on the outside from my POV.

It's pretty cool here. I mean, there's a constant supply of hugs and kisses - people are ALWAYS holding and lovin' on me. I pretend to sleep a lot so they will continue to flatter me with compliments. Mommy says I get that from Daddy.

I've decided to forgive Mom and Dad for "sharpening my pencil" (as Grandpa Greg says). My junk is almost back to normal, which is nice...and Dad keeps telling me that some day, the chicks will dig it. Not sure what that means, but Dad hasn't lied to me yet. Oh, and that crusty thing on my belly is gross, but Mom is hopeful it will fall off soon.

I really wish Mom would stop shoving her boobs in my face, as I'm really not a fan. I've got the screaming and shaking thing down to a science, so she usually just gives in and bottles up the goods for me. I much prefer that.

I got my first bath tonight. Mommy wants to post those pictures tomorrow, so I will spare you the details. Let's just say that I'm probably not going to be a happy camper at my Baptism.

Well, it's about time for me to drop another load and zonk out for a few hours. Wanna know a secret? When I got out of the tub tonight, Dad cuddled me naked on the towel for a while and I TOTALLY deuced on him! It was the COOLEST, ever! Virtual high five!

I will leave you with this picture to show off how totally rockin' I am. Aunt Kelli got me these and I think I'm pretty pimpin'. Maybe this is what Daddy meant when he was telling me about the ladies lovin' me someday...

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Happy 1 Week Birthday To Alex!

We sang "Happy Birthday" to Mr. Alex promptly at 6 p.m. to celebrate...and then he blew out the nipple on his bottle of breastmilk. (BTW - that adventure is going sort of well. He refuses to latch but I am a superpumper and am able to get almost 4 oz. every 2 hours. So, everyone wins.)

Click here for some new pics of our little man. Beware the link is from Facebook, so if you're on a server that blocks it *cough*atwork*cough*, you will have to wait until you're at home to peek.

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

I'm Sorry.

I haven't posted the birth story. I haven't posted more pictures. I haven't posted all the gory details of postpartum recovery (and holy cow, it is ridiculous...let's just say I've never been shy of the deuces and experiencing said shyness for the first time is horrific!).

I just want to spend every, single waking minute snuggling and kissing and loving on Alex. Because of that, I just don't have the time to devote to the novel-length post (and required wit) the birth story will require. It's so hard to believe that tomorrow is already his 1 week birthday and he's changed so much! I was looking at pictures of my cousin's son who was born last year about this time and he's already SO big. Pictorial proof that time flies all too quickly mixed with my raging hormones melted me into a sea of unexplainable sobs.

Moving on...

Alex had his first pediatrician appointment today and passed with flying colors. (Sidenote: I'm so, so, so, so pleased with our choice in doctors. It was well worth the frustration and time to visit 4 practices and weigh the pros and cons of each.) His stats? Still 19" and has chubbed back up to 6 lb. 13 oz. Momma's milk is working wonders! On that note, where was this AWESOME rack when I was 17? I could have definitely put them to good use back then, sheesh!

After our appointment we went to work to show him off visit with our work family. He snoozed the WHOLE time (about an hour) as he was passed from friend to friend. I wish he would have woken up to show off his beautiful eyes, but he was more content to just zonk out and snore. Actually, that's probably what a lot of us want to do at work most of the time, right? Maybe Alex was on to something...

Here's another favorite picture of the moment. He's just chillin' like a villain watching the Wings with his Daddy. I love my life.

Monday, April 20, 2009

Home. Day One.

Today is our first full day at home and it has been so lovely. A lot of people told me the first day at home would be overwhelming, because the bathroom is 50 steps away instead of 2, nurses aren't just a button-push away and you no longer have the comfort of one, small room that has everything you could possibly need. Strangely, we find home to be a lot more comforting. We have had our moments - like at 3 am when he refused to latch for his feeding and screamed like a wild monkey for 10 minutes. But all in all, home is WAY better.

Joe has the patience of a...I forget the analogy at the exact moment, but insert whichever one means a LOT of patience. He's an amazing dad and has actually taught me a thing or two in the last few days. You'd never know he hadn't held a baby or changed a diaper prior to April 15.

And I can't believe how much the little bugger has already changed! Here's my absolute favorite picture of the moment:

Friday, April 17, 2009

A Few Things I've Learned...

A great deal has happened over the course of the last (almost) 48 hours since WIP's been born. Will I ever call him Alex? There's so much going on around us, yet my world only seems to spin inside this hospital room and its surrounding hallways. I saw the sun today, and it was a glorious sight to behold! We can't wait to take him outside and play.

Yesterday was rough, but one of the small highlights of the day was taking a shower. My Mom (who I'm pretty sure is a saint for doing this three times with her own children) was here to help me. She's absolutely the best Mom to me and Grandma to WIP...thank you so much Gramii Joette - you helped me feel human again.

In related news, I thought I would share a few of the things I have learned since this all began at roughly 7 pm on Tuesday. I'll elaborate on the more entertaining ones later, but you can get the gist.
  • My husband is the most amazing man on the earth. Hands down.
  • Water breakage is WEIRD. And it's not just a one time thing. It's like the Energizer Bunny - keeps going, and going, and going, and going...
  • Nurses can be hit or miss. There are great ones...and there are crappy ones. I love the great ones - particularly Kelly B. from Labor and Delivery at RO Beaumont. I only cursed at her twice and she was STILL lovely to me.
  • Breastfeeding is grosser than I originally anticipated. And it hurts a great deal more, too. But, I am still going bottles yet!
  • Hospital food rules.
  • The swelling in the cankles does NOT "go down immediately" as so many *cough*liars*cough of my friends let on. I'm told it will be "a few weeks."
  • Disposable hospital underwear are the BOMB. Almost as comfy as maternity pants.
  • The day they take out the catheter and IV was a slightly better day than Christmas.
  • I have seriously underrated showers my whole life. They are one of life's simplest and greatest joys.
I've got a slew of visitors coming in over the next few hours, so I'm going to go watch some more trashy daytime TV before they arrive. (Seriously...what was Connie thinking when she married Maury?) And, I will have you know that today I've already rocked a shower and even managed to swing a semi-hairstyle and minimal makeup application. I'm a Somerset MILF-in-training, after all.

And I'm so, so, so in love with this kid that I can't even type words to express it. I was going to make today's post all about him, but I can't type those feelings without becoming a blubbering idiot...and I'm NOT about to mess up this mascara job.

Thursday, April 16, 2009

I Just Want To Eat Him Up!

Hump Day...BIRTHDAY!

I'm exhausted...23 hours of labor only to end with a C-Section. Le sigh. It was quite the adventure, I assure you. And all the women who say you forget all the pain and agony once you meet your child are LIARS. Big, fat ones to be exact. :) I'll provide all the gory details soon - Joe was so awesome and kept an Excel spreadsheet of everything that happened over the last few days. Highlights and lowlights to come.

In the meantime, here's a pic from Joe's phone to bide your time. He's perfect and we are so, so in love.

Alex Joseph
6:00 p.m. (punctual like mommy!)
7 lbs. 1 oz.
19 inches long

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Holy $^&*!!!!

Um...I'm blogging from a hospital bed. With an IV in my arm. And a fresh catheter just removed from my girlie parts. (More tests.)

Yep. Water for sure broke at 7 tonight. Thought I simply peed my pants, but boy was I wrong. More detailed post to come about that little experience later. Seriously, it's the weirdest...and still trickling out. Ew. Ew. Ew. Probably grosser than breastfeeding, though I cannot yet confirm this fact.

Dilated only a fingertip, so I have a ways to go. And it's super duper hard to type with this damn IV in my hand.

Everything hurts. Everything sucks. Not really. I have yet to actually feel a contraction, though the monitor says I'm having them. I just have a flair for the dramatic.

If any of my readers are worried that your children are having unprotected sex, feel free to send them my way. I can convince them otherwise.

Stay tuned...this kid's coming!

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

I Heart Ellen.

I'm wondering when I go back to work if I could make my hours 11-5? You see, this would allow me to watch the ellen show every day...which I would ADORE.

Note: this is my first official day of maternity leave. I'm calling it "being a fake teacher" because I can only imagine this is what it's like to be a teacher and only work 8 months out of the year. And yes, I'm totally prepared for all the nasty comments I will get from teachers for what I just said. I'm related to two of you (almost three) - you do not scare me. Bring it.

Here I sit, blogging from my couch in my Vickies sweatpants, Joe's ridiculously humongous tee shirt (which you can probably guess fits me rather snugly) and my freshly painted blue toes propped up on some pillows to prevent the inevitable Sherman Klump-age of the cankles. Oh yes, did I mention Joe picked out blue polish for my pedi yesterday? They're in honor of my WIPpy.

So back to ellen. She's freakin' the BEST. I might add her show to my Netflix list...would that be weird? Probably. Oh well. Anyway, the guest on right now is Mary McCormack from "In Plain Sight" and she just gifted Ellen 2 laser pointers. She and her husband use them when they watch reality tv - she swears they "revolutionize tv watching," and I think the concept is sheer brilliance. Dear Joey, if you are reading this, sneak upstairs to my desk and grab my laser pointer out of my desk and bring it home. I want to revolutionize our tv watching experience. This is going to be awesome.

This life of lazy will get old and simultaneously come to an end far, far too soon. But until it's over, I will relish in it and be and ellen junkie. Mac and Cheese in dinosaur shapes for lunch, you say? Done!

Monday, April 13, 2009

Not Yet...But Almost.

I can only assume from some of the frantic emails, texts and voicemails from friends that I've frightened the blogosphere with my lack of early morning posts today. I have a delicious excuse, I swear: We were in triage. Again.

As you may remember, I had my weekly Monday checkup at the doctor this morning. My BP was high (again) and there was protein in my urine (again), so instead of doing the bloodwork in the office and waiting 24 hours for the results, she opted to send me right to the hospital in order to get the test results within the hour.

So we were thinking the hospital trip was just a way to get the test results faster and a glorious excuse to get some Ben & Jerry's, so imagine our surprise when the doc said, "So, swing by home, grab your bags and head to the hospital. I'll call to let them know you are coming."

Umm... "Grab our bags, you say?"

"Yes, if there is even the slightest trace of anything in the tests they will run, we'll induce today!"

Pause to pick my heart and Joe's jaw off the floor. I make a mental note, pleased that I shaved my legs this morning. Still didn't get that pedicure, though, dangit!

Obviously, since I'm posting this, we're now at home, resting. It was a long day - probably 5 hours at the hospital, and I was violated in every way possible. I got blood drawn...poorly, and have the bruise on my arm to prove it. To ensure my urine test was as pure as possible, I got a catheter. I can't even explain to you what it's like to pee without actually peeing. I promise to devote an entire post to it someday soon. To finalize the violations, my day was completed with an entire arm up my va-jay-jay as Melissa the nurse checked my cervix. Seriously had no idea it was up that far. Also, Melissa dear, if you are reading this, please cut your nails ASAP to prevent tomorrow's patients from experiencing what I had to today. Thanks.

In summary, I'm still prego. I'm going on Wednesday to the doctor's office for a non-routine BP and urine test and still have my regular Monday am appointments scheduled. It's all up to WIP now.

Oh, and in case you were wondering, I did get that pedicure on the way home. Better safe than sorry.

Friday, April 10, 2009

Is It Just Me...

...or are all of the most disgusting words in the English language associated with pregnancy? This is probably a little bit of a TMI post, but I think it's necessary to get it out in the open.

Think about it: ovary, fundal/fundus, uterus, discharge, cervix, placenta, sperm, vagina, mucous, fetus...I could literally go for days. They're just gross words. Ew. Ew. Ew.

Speaking of things I think are gross, a friend recently shared this article on breastfeeding with me. It's a little long, but totally worth the read. One of my faves so far.

In related news, and forgive me if I've already blogged about any of this...I can't even remember what I had for breakfast this morning, but we are totally, 100% ready for WIP. I packed my bags for the hospital, so that milestone is behind me. All of WIP's clothes, bedding and blankets are washed and ready for him. Joey spent the weekend refinishing the tub/shower so we can play with him for hours in the bathtub. The carseat bases are installed. We bought batteries for all the crazy baby things that require them. (Rechargeable, nonetheless. You're welcome, Earth.) I mailed in my pre-registration forms for the hospital. I have all the necessary *cough*breastfeeding*cough* accoutrements. And, above all, I'm most happy to report that we visited Pediatrician candidate #4 last night and are SO happy with him/the practice. Winner, winner, chicken dinner, indeed.

So now we just wait. Hopefully, not too long!

Thursday, April 9, 2009

Drop It Like It's Hot.

Everyone (including perfect strangers) is now saying that I've "dropped." Let's test that theory with a side-by-side comparison, shall we? Speaking of side-by-side, methinks I should get a side-by-side milkshake from Steak -N- Shake on the way home...

What was I saying? Oh yeah. The droppage.

Week 35 vs. Week 38

Week 37 vs. Week 38

I've certainly GROWN, that's fo' shizzle. And I know that I can feel the difference in my body, I'm just not so sure that I can see it. I guess I don't actually even know what I'm looking for. The underside of my belly certainly looks and feels lower...what say you?

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

Happy Birthday!

Today is baby brudder's birthday! Hard to believe my baby is all growed up...and he's gettin' married later this summer. No, seriously. When did I get old?


P.S. - Dear skinny Kristi, I miss you. Please come back soon.
Love, fat and pregnant Kristi

Hump Day, Bump Day!

Here we are at Week 38 - check out the countdown at the bottom of the blog!! It seems that weeks 1-30 took equally as long as 31-38 did...but I suppose the Earth does spin a little slower when you're lugging around another human + 25 extra lbs.

Here's le bump (no longer it's just a blob):

"Congratulations, Kristi! You're 38 Weeks Pregnant. Your baby is now officially full term. If born today he would probably do well. Baby is about 21 inches from head to toe and weighs about 6.8 pounds. Most of his downy hair -- lanugo -- and whitish coating -- vernix -- have disappeared. Baby's growth is slowing, but fat cells under his skin are getting plumper. Make sure you have a bag packed. It won't be long now -- 95% of all babies are born within two weeks of their due date."

I would like to go on record to say that proclaiming "95% of all babies are born within two weeks of their due date" is the stoopidest thing, ever. Of COURSE all babies are born within two weeks - two weeks earlier or two weeks later - of their due date because that would assume that 8 years of medical school helped the OB-GYNs of the world accurately predict a due date somewhere in a FOUR WEEK window. Duh. I could do that drunk, blindfolded and pointing at a calendar. Sheesh.

The update I get from The Bump tells me "Don't panic if you feel electric buzzes down your legs and inside your vagina. Baby has simply stumbled on yet another way to grab your attention -- this time, he's bumping against nerves in your pelvis."

Ummm...about that. WIP, Mommy does not think that is cool. And I'm sure it's your funny little way of getting me back for that unpleasant gas problem I've had lately. I'm really sorry about that. Truce?

Tuesday, April 7, 2009


I simply couldn't accept the "no news is good news" method of communication as instructed by my doc's office, so I finally gave in and just called.

The nurse said my bloodwork was the "picture of pregnancy health." She simply warned me that if my headaches continue and Tylenol doesn't do the trick, or if my ankles don't go down after elevating them for an hour or so to call ASAP.

Looks like I'm back to being a "boring" pregnancy. Cool wit' me!

No News = Good News?

So it's 11:06 a.m. and I haven't heard anything from the doc yet. I have to imagine they get their first batch of results back from Quest Diagnostics when they open (8 am) he should have seen my results by now and called if something was up, right?

In the meantime, I'm about to rock it to Chipotle to meet Jamie for runch. That should take my mind off things for an hour or so. If I haven't heard anything by 2 p.m., I'm officially diagnosing myself healthy.

Monday, April 6, 2009

Some Good & Some Bad.

Had another weekly checkup some good news and some bad news.

Good? I lost 4 lbs! :) I'm 99.98% certain it's only because last time I was there my ankles were roughly the size of elephant balls, and this time they were nearly normal. So, the fluctuation was most likely due to less water weight this time around. But, combine that with my recent size small bra purchase and I'm feeling pretty great about my fatty self today.

Bad? They found protein in my urine and 2 of 3 blood pressure tests were high. Both of these are signs of preeclampsia, but both also have a high false positive reading. So, they drew some blood just to be sure. If I don't hear anything by tomorrow, I'm in the clear. Fingers crossed!

In related news, my last day of work is Thursday (not like last day ever, just last day until September-ish). It's surprisingly bittersweet, because I LOVE my work family and 89% of the time I truly love what I do. But I'm also looking forward to having a week or so just to myself - probably the last ever long stretch of "me" time I will have for the rest of my life...I hear this "mom" thing is very, very time consuming. :) I plan to get another prenatal massage, spend some time at Starbucks, the movies, napping, nesting and taking care of all the last minute things for WIP's arrival.

Until tomorrow, friends! I hope I'm back with good news.

Saturday, April 4, 2009

Oh No She Didn't.

Today I went Mom2Momming with Keliann and Emily. 'Twas a 70+ table sale with no strollers allowed before 11 am. (Woot!) And how excited was I when I found THE table - perhaps even the table to end all tables? Very. The mom manning said table had (at least) a 3 carat rock on her hand and justsohappened to have all boy stuff! Polo, Tommy, you name it...she had it. And, it seemed that all the sizes were in the right season. JACKPOT!

After the M2M extravaganza (where we were all very, very successful), we grabbed lunch and continued on a quest to get me some nursing bras.


I continue...

To set the stage, we were at Motherhood at Lakeside Mall. After being enthusiastically stalked by a staff of far too upbeat sales associates, we managed to sneak into a dressing room to try on the goods. I knew I wanted a sleeping bra, a few tanks and 1 "real" know, for those rare occasions where I will exit the home premises and don some non-100% cotton clothing for a social evening out on the town.

I managed to find 2 "real" bras, 1 sleeping bra and 2 tanks that I was relatively happy with. And BONUS! The sleeping bra that felt most comfortable to me just so happened to be a size SMALL. A SMALL!!! The last time I even looked at anything in a size small was...gosh, I can't even remember.

Off we trotted to the checkout, where we were once again greeted by an overwhelmingly cheerful sales associate.

No, I'm not interested in your credit card college savings program. No, I don't want to subscribe to Grandparents' Magazine. No, I'm not interested in ANY of the "free" crap you are offering me. Just freakin' ring my stuff up so I can take my non-returnable, non-refundable items that I wish were from Victoria's Secret instead of this crappy store and get the eff out of here.

After offering me everything but the kitchen sink, she finally got around to ringing up my actual purchases. Here's the part where she almost dies...

"M'am, are you sure that you want to buy the sleeping bra in the small?"

"Yes, I am sure." Why in the hell would I have put it on the counter if I wasn't?

"Well, I think you should reconsider the medium because your boobs will increase an entire cup size once your milk comes in." Gives me judging glance as if to say, "You're seriously not a small, lady."

"The small was comfortable. I will get the one I gave you, thank you."

She goes on to tell me with a smile about how awful breastfeeding is because you've got "milk squirtin' all over the place" and how "it just hurts" and she was "so glad she never had to do it again" and on and on and on and on...

Seriously lady? How did you get this job?

I could have strangled her. But I didn't.

I signed my receipt, grabbed my overpriced, non-refundable, non-returnable size SMALL bra and hightailed it on out of there.

I think in the world of friendliness, I'm really gaining ground, don't you?

Friday, April 3, 2009

Check Out These Puppies.

I hope it's clear by now that I'm not above a little self-humiliation.

Last night the swelling in my feet was ri-donk-ulous. The balls of my feet honestly felt like Jake's paws, and there was actually a ROLL over my ankle. There were a few times I nearly couldn't get the leverage required to hoist myself off the loo, but I'm happy to report I never had to actually resort to screaming for help from Joe.

I wanted to document the ridiculousness for the following 3 reasons: 1) to be able to show the doctor on Monday that I'm not crazy and that my ankles really DO grow to the size of basketballs at night; 2) to provide my readers a nice, hearty laugh on this dreary Friday morning; and 3) to show WIP someday what his mommy went through for him.

Despite the comic nature of it, they can actually be rather painful. I mean, they don't hurt like "ow that freakin' hurts!" hurt, but more of a "my skin cannot possibly stretch any further to cover this fatness" hurt. Hurt is a funny word if you type it enough.

So there you have it. My roly poly cankles for all the world to see. And for what it's worth, I can still see that's something, right?

Thursday, April 2, 2009

Dr. Poopsie.

We bought WIP the cutest little onesie this weekend on clearance @ Old Navy that says "Dr. Poopsie."

In keeping with the poop theme, I thought I would share a helluva bargain site with all my blog and mom friends:

According to the site, the average cost for a year supply of diapers on is between $500 - $750 with free shipping, depending on the age of your baby and how many changes he/she requires. This is over 35% cheaper than most supermarkets and 40% cheaper than most drugstores. SWEET!

What's even awesomer (yes, it's a word in my world) is that you can mail in manufacturer's coupons and formula checks for diapers, wipes and formula products that they sell, except the Kirkland brand. Once they receive them, they're applied to your account to use on future purchases. DOUBLE SWEET!
They sell more than just diapers, wipes and it out!

And they have a great referral program. I've included a coupon code below to receive $10 off your order and free shipping on orders over $49. I just placed an order for enough diapers to get us through November...I think. Use code KRIS5839 at checkout. You're welcome.

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Oh, The Horror!

Upon seeing the horrible fate that most of my female relatives wished upon me in the "Guess WIP's Birthday" game, I decided to send them a little nastygram thanking them for their "well-wishes" for a 2 week overdue baby the size of a THREE MONTH old. In return, they decided to share their birth stories with me.

My cousin, Debbi: Oldest (Ryan) due June 21. By July 4, she sat through several firework shows hoping they would jar him out, but to no avail. They induced him on the 5th. Her second (Justin), was induced on his due date...and thankfully he wasn't the 11 lbs. they thought.

My cousin, Jeannie: Oldest (Sammy) was 1 week late. She spent 43 hours in labor only to have a C-section, delivering a 10 lb. 4 oz. baby (OMG). Her second (Jimmy) was breach, so she again had a C-section two weeks early and he was STILL almost 9 lbs.

To be fair, it was these two that correctly predicted the cankles, so I have to believe our genes are that strong, and that my birth story will be as they say. I'm so, so screwed.

Feel free to share your birth story (if you have one) in the comment section. Especially if you had a 7 lb. baby 2 weeks early. Give me hope!

Hump Day, Bump Day!

Happy Week 37!! ...and Happy April Fool's Day! I briefly considered playing a trick on all my internet friends and posting pictures of some random, hairy, recently birthed child and claiming him as my own. Perhaps if we were a bit closer to my actual due date, I could have pulled it off. No tricks today...just a bumpedo with some serious stretch marks. Don't judge.

"Congratulations, Kristi! You're 37 Weeks Pregnant. Your baby is about 21 inches from head to toe and weighs almost 6.5 pounds. Baby is getting rounded every day, and skin is getting pinker and losing its wrinkly appearance. Baby's head is usually positioned down into the pelvis by now. Your uterus may stay the same size as it was for the last week or two. Your weight gain should be about as high as it will go, about 25 to 35 pounds. About this time, your doctor might perform a pelvic exam to help judge the progress of your pregnancy."

He's definitely in the head down position to stay. Every now and again he will remind me juuuuuust how close he is to my va-jay-jay and I let out a "yelp" or an "oomph." Sometimes this happens in the most inappropriate of places (read: semi-important meetings at work with semi-important people), but I'm always thankful for the reminder he's in there, kickin' and growin'...despite the permanent damage he's likely doing to my girlie parts.

And only because I promised a foot pic post-pedicure, here you go. I tried to turn the left one a bit so you can see how triangular they look. The outside of my right foot is the part that reminds me of Sherman Klump. Or maybe it's more of a Cabbage Patch Kid foot? IDK. You decide. Either way it's totally hilarious/disgusting.

In related news, Joey started a betting pool for WIP's actual delivery day, height, weight and time of birth. Click here to cast your vote...we'll be awarding prizes for "closest without going over" in each category, plus an overall GRAND PRIZE winner. I suppose it's kinda like my first blog giveaway, only funner. :)

Happy Hump Day!