Monday, February 9, 2009

Boobies 101.

Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. It's taking everything I have in me to type this post, but I must. It's too gross and funny not to.

Sooooo, I was at a super fun party on Saturday evening with some friends. As Joe and I were preparing to vamoose ('cause the pregnant girl is always the first to pull a Batman) the ladies and I started chatting it up about babies and all things baby-related. Note: I am the only PG one of the bunch...they all have children, mostly semi-grown...and by semi-grown I mean the average age is like 5.

Anyway, one of them asked me if I was going to try breastfeeding. My least favorite question, hands down. My standard response for every time I get asked this question is, "Well, I'm going to give it a whirl. If it works, it works. If not, that's why God invented Similac."

I swear I'm not bitter about it - I have just never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever had a woman share with me a life-changingly awesome story of breastfeeding. Sure, they all admit it's "best for baby" and "such a great way to connect with your baby" but ALL of them had problems and horror stories to boot. Even my own mother had the worst time...bleeding, cracking, etc.

So tell me again why this is supposed to sound appealing to me? Quite frankly, it doesn't. Like, at all. And, to add insult to injury, I HATE boobs. Like, they are so gross. Nipples, too. Ewwwwww. Almost can't even type that word.

Back to the I was getting tips and tricks from the ladies regarding pumping (ew) and I reiterated to them how gross I think the whole idea/process is. Then, one went into detail about how when you are pumping (ew), your nipple (ew) gets all stretchy and you can watch it going "in and out" of the machine (OMG triple, quadruple ew).

I literally cannot stomach this.

Continuing on...I was sharing this story with Kelli (sister) on Sunday morning. She shares my general feelings about boobies so we were having a good laugh as I reenacted it to the best of my Tony-winning abilities and laughed about how weird "Milking Machines" are. Yes. She's 29 and refers to breast pumps as "milking machines." I adore her.

She goes on to tell me about these things called "Wet Nurses." OH. MY. SWEET. JESUS. Have you HEARD of these things? Apparently they are women who nurse OTHER PEOPLE'S BABIES. AAAAhhhhhhhhhhh. Thinking about it makes me vomit in my mouth a little.

And since I don't want to do that, you can read more about these women here. I have to stop typing about this before I hyperventilate.

Margaret Thatcher naked on a cold day...Margaret Thatcher naked on a cold day...


Anonymous said...

seriously its not that bad, this post was hilarious i must say and did feel the same way about it but my mom hounded me with my first son, who by the way i could only nurse for 9 wks, my second 6 months and the third 5 months. I can say its cheaper and its not that bad and it bonds you with the baby and i know you think its gross but think of wip! and also do not use similac its horrible thick formula, i always used enfamil with iron or gerber with iron or even carnation, you dont want to use something that the powder is thick...gross. im glad all is well kristi!

Anonymous said...

You are so funny.As for wet nurses, I never really thought about what they actually were. That grosses me out! How could you do that?

Greg and Joette said...

Oh my darling!!! Yes, I was failing miserably and then Aunt Barb told me "even the stupid pigs in the barn can do it" (breast feed). I just knew I was a looser Mom--but hormones were raging and I quit.Now, I know,I was not.You are fantastic in all that you do and you have all the cheerleaders (even Kelli) for your Boobie 101 marathon game!!!:) "Formula vs Boobs" it could be a good WII game...I know what team the guys would pick:)