Sherman Klump, Party Of One?

Today we're going to talk about my feet...well, at least what's left of my feet.

The latest pregnancy ailment is swelling. And not just any swelling, people. We're talking full-on, balloon-in-my-foot, look-like-Professor-Klump-from-the-Nutty-Professor, fatty-fatness-in-the-feet swelling. It's more prevalent on the left side (as in, it goes pretty much all the way up to my knee) but definitely omnipresent in both hemispheres of my bod.

It's entertaining (to say the least) to squish it around, look in the mirror and make fun of myself. But somewhere, deep deep down in my very vain soul, it's borderline depressing. While I often joke about my ginormousness, it's something that on any given day can actually be something very emotional. I miss my body - my normally functioning, decently sized, properly proportioned body.

This week has been full of body milestones. My favorite maternity jeans are too small, another pair of maternity jeans that I could once fit 2 of me in now fit nicely, I found some very unwelcome stretch marks on the underside of my tum tum and now my feet and hands are swelling like one of those "Grow A Boyfriend" capsules.

These and other symptoms are all unfriendly little reminders that the end is, indeed, in sight. But knowing that my little WIP will be here very soon makes it a little easier to embrace and accept all these crazy changes.

And, if I get a pedicure any time soon I promise to post pics of my feet so you all can have a laugh at my expense. :)

Nothing Creative.

The creative juices are running on E today, so the best I can give you is the lame pediatrician update I promised yesterday and a good (stolen) joke.

1) Pediatrician candidate #2 - A referral from a friend and very, very nice overall. The only thing that freaked me was she got her degree in the Caribbean...I know that's so very judgmental, but can you blame me for wanting the best? The office was fun, clean and located right in Troy Beaumont, which is nice. I also appreciated her outlook on vaccines - they have a schedule they like to follow, but it's ultimately the parents' choice. She also gave some great advice re: circumcision (or "circ" as they call it in the biz) that put Joe at ease. I can't imagine that's an easy thing for a dad to stomach.

2) Pediatrician candidate #3 - In. Love. We toured the office with the office manager - only downside was that we didn't actually get to meet any of the docs. But I did read all their reviews on the billions of mommy websites and there was literally hundreds of overwhelmingly positive rave reviews. All of them spent time as chief resident at Children's Hospital, which is great. Plus, because of their affiliation with Children's, they could refer us with priority should there ever be a serious situation where he needed to see a specialist. The only downside? They aren't on staff at RO Beaumont and are only affiliated with St. John's. Which is fiiiiiiine, but it would be so much simpler if they had Beaumont affiliation. I honestly don't mind WIP having to see a resident at the hospital, and truth be told, he will probably be checked by the resident prior to the "circ" procedure before any pediatrician (mine or otherwise) would get to see him, anyway. Plus, if and when we move, we are likely going to the Troy/Rochester area, which would put us REALLY far from this office.

So many decisions, so little time. We're visiting one more practice on April 8 (Happy B-Day, brudder) and then we will make the final call. Why can't I just pick McDreamy and be done with it? Le sigh.

And now, for the joke:

Did you hear about the new IHOP breakfast dedicated to the OctoMom? It's made with 8 eggs, no sausage, and the people at the next table pay for it.

Bwaaaahahahaha.

Hump Day, Bump Day!

Holy week 35, Batman! I start seeing the OB once a week next week, so that can only mean one thing...WIP is coming out to play soon!!! :) I can't tell you how often Joe and I are just putzing around town doing mundane errands and we wish right out loud that we had him here to lug around with us. Get here, already, kid!!!

Here's the bump at week 35. Is it just me or do I look like a giant torpedo? And, yes, those are stretch marks you see in the first picture. (Sadness.) They are on the underside of my belly - obvs a part of my body I haven't seen in weeks. My shirt rolled up a bit the other night and Joe said, "Honey, are you bruising?"

I scampered to the mirror and was staring square in the belly at my worst nightmare: stretch marks. Stupid Laila Ali and her very obvious false advertising re: Palmer's Stretch Mark Lotion. I've been using that crap every.single.day (sometimes 2-3x/day) since the day I found out I was PG. You think my case would stand in court? Argh.



"Congratulations, Kristi! You're 35 Weeks Pregnant. Your baby measures about 20.25 inches from head to toe and weighs more than 5.5 pounds. Lungs are almost fully developed, but if born now the baby would probably be put in an incubator. It still doesn't have enough fat deposits beneath its skin to keep warm outside your womb. Your uterus is about six inches above your navel. By now your weight gain is probably between 24 and 29 pounds. Discomfort and sleeping problems are common around this time. It won't be too much longer."

We visited 2 pediatricians yesterday; I'll update on that tomorrow. Being a (responsible) parent is a really, really, really hard job. I even dreamt about pediatricians last night. Well, in between the 17 or so trips to the bathroom, that is.

We Gradu-mi-tated!

Well, yee-haw, folks. Joe and I have officially graduated from baby school!!

Last night we had the 4th and final installment of our "Childbirth Education" class with dear, dear Madelyn. She really is a gem - even took time at the end of class to make sure that everyone had all of their burning questions answered before she set us free into the world to go forth and birth babies.

Except she wasn't really the one answering them. You can totally tell where I'm going with this, right? Miss Priss answered 80% of the questions people asked - and totally just cut off Madelyn (the triple-certified instructor PAID to teach this course) every time she knew an answer. For instance, Joe asked if she had any suggestions for introducing a dog to a baby, and no sooner had Madelyn opened her mouth to answer, Miss Priss just starts a-preachin':

"Well, I read...blah blah blah...buy a baby doll from Target...blah blah blah...wrap it in a washed baby blanket...blah blah blah...lay it on the floor for the dog to sniff...blah blah blah. We did it with our dog and his favorite room is now the baby's nursery...blah blah blah."

I really hate to break it to you, MP, but if there is something stuffed laying on the floor, Jake will destroy it. He will have all the stuffing out and eyeballs/other plastic parts removed faster than a NASCAR pit stop. A baby, on the other hand, is ALIVE. Something that can kick and scream and cry and confuse Mister Jake. Get over yourself. Your advice sucks.

In other Miss-Priss-sucks news, I decided that I was going "grunge" to last night's class. I was honestly so tired I probably could have gone naked and not noticed. But, in an effort to allow my classmates to keep their sight, I opted instead for a super-glam outfit consisting of these pants, a brown long-sleeved tee and a black/brown/gray WMU sweatshirt (GO BRONCOS!). I topped the look off with white socks and pink Crocs. I was truly a sight to behold.

Joe mocked me - but still allowed me to go to class dressed as such. Apparently, he didn't notice the Croc addition until we were walking into the building, at which point he burst into uncontrollable laughter and couldn't contain himself. I reminded him ever so snottily that he didn't marry me for my impeccable fashion sense, but instead for my rockin' ass...which is still quite awesome, thankyouverymuch.

So, you can imagine his response when MP waltzed into the classroom abso-friggin-lutely dressed to the nines. She was rockin' a supercute outfit AND high heels. He was laughing so hard that he almost had to leave the room for fear of looking rude. Grrr...that girl. Just my luck. She just HAAAAAD to show up looking perfect, didn't she? Ack.

Back to the original point of this post: we graduated! Which, in theory, should mean that we are armed and ready for WIP to arrive. Except as we were walking out of class, Joe turned to me and said, "Is it bad that I'm more scared now than I was before the class?"

Oh, yeah. Our kid's the luckiest. :)

Happy St. Patrick's Day!

A Masterpiece.

WIP's nursery has officially become my favorite room in the house. We've finally finished everything - I've even washed a good portion of his clothes and have them all put away in the drawers. Note: 'twas during said laundry-putting-away session that I realized not only do I have a sick obsession with baby denim, I also am addicted to baby shoes. He probably could wear a different pair every day for the first year of his life. The good news? All were purchased at least 75% off retail. Woot!

I digress. Here are some pics I snapped this weekend of the finished wall decorations. I ADORE them. This post will explain the long quote...I'll cry if I have to explain it again.


(See the new Legos Daddy made for WIP on the windowsill?)

I ordered the quote from The Simple Stencil and am so pleased with how it turned out. They offer a free "test" stencil up to 12 letters with your order to practice with, and instead of wasting a freebie (um, like I would ever do that!), I decided to order "Alex Joseph," since that was the flavor of the week we liked for names at the time I bought it. So, I suppose it's decided! Unless he comes out looking like something else, he's dubbed our little AJ for eternity. Although I think I will call him WIP until the day I die...how embarrassing will that be on his High School graduation day? Meh meh meh...

In related baby news, congratulations to Jamie for becoming a 2nd time Aunt to Mr. Brady Thomas. Also, WIP has a date for prom 2025 - "Peanut" Johnson! Keliann and Michael found out they are having a girl...yippie!! :)

Owie. Owie.

There's a new pregnancy ailment in town, people! Say hello to...

LEG CRAMPAGE!

It started 2 nights ago. I woke up out of sound sleep and was pretty certain that my left leg was being eaten by a giant, rabid monster. It was honest-to-goodness the worst cramp I've ever, ever had. Maybe my body was confused and sent my calf into labor instead of my abdomen? IDK.

Because of said crampage, my left leg felt like someone took an eggbeater to it all day yesterday. Not only was it sore, it would still cramp up every now and again. Boo.

I rocked some Icy Hot last night hoping to ease the soreness, but to no avail. I just ended up smelling like a locker room. Sexy, no?

In related news, my right leg decided to join the party last night and cramp up every few hours.

So today, not only am I extraordinarily sleepy from doing laps around the house in an effort to soothe my leggy-poos, I'm in a squidge of pain...yep, still cramping. Anyone have any magical remedies?

Prep The Elbow.

So I'm walking out of Subway today at runchtime (yeah...I can stomach it again) carrying/balancing 1 bag of sammitches, 2 chips and 2 drinks in my chub-a-licious paws.

While fumbling around in my pockets to find my car keys, I clumsily dropped the keys in the middle of the parking lot.

Oh good Lord. How am I going to maintain balance of the foodstuffs I am carrying AND bend over to pick the keys up off the ground?

Note: it's probably been weeks since I've been able to bend on my own. Joey picks up everything I drop at home (which is a lot) and when he's not around, others usually have sympathy on the prego girl and will get the felled item for me.

I managed to swing it, but it took me a little longer than it would a person of normal midsection size. And you know what? Some effing d-bag totally HONKED AT ME. As in, "Honk, honk. You're taking too long, lady. Get out of my way."

Seriously.

The look I shot that loser might have stopped his heart for 2-5 seconds - I was like that Ice Girl from X-Men. I picked up my keys, rebalanced my armful of food/beverages, looked up at him, pointed to my tum-tum and then looked glared back at him with the evilest of eyes.

And then took baby steps the rest of the way to my car, probably causing him to have an aneurysm. He's lucky I didn't get his plate numbers.