A Baby Story: Part 5.

I know, I know. 2 days in a row. I'm spoiling you. Relish in it, kids. Relish.

First, let's wish Mr. Alex a HAPPY ONE MONTH BIRTHDAY! A special post to come later today about that.

Back to hell...

As I was being wheeled off to the OR, I couldn't help but giggle. You only ever see those moments from a birds-eye view on television: the husband tenderly kissing his wife as they glide through double swinging doors, as if it might be the last time they see each other. To experience it firsthand was VERY weird, to say the least.

Joe was not allowed in the OR for the "prep;" he had to sit in the hallway...maybe he will guest post about what it was like to wait out there. Anyway, they wheeled me into the white, sterile room and asked me to get on the operating table.

Girl say WHAT?

I couldn't even feel my legs - how did they expect me to use them to hoist myself onto the adjacent table? Needless to say, I pretty much told them they were reebazons and that they were going to have to use their magical medical skillz to get me to table #2, cause I sure as hell wasn't about to do it on my own.

I was notsogracefully hoisted onto the table and the next few moments flew by. The anesthesiologist started pumping me with more deliciousness, drapes were going up all around me, my arms were tied down like Jesus on the Cross, and I could hear Dr. Long asking the intern if she wanted to perform the surgery. Ahhhh! I understand the need for teaching hospitals, I really do. Everyone has to learn on someone, otherwise we wouldn't have doctors. It's just a little unnerving when they're learning on you.

I started to shiver and shake from all the drugs and kept asking and asking where Joe was. He wasn't allowed to come in until they cut me, so I asked the nurse to hold my hand until he was allowed in. After what seemed like ages, I could hear Joe. He came and sat beside me and the real party began.

Dr. Long coached Miss Intern through the surgery, and warned me right before they were going to take Alex out. I was totally numb at that point, but I could definitely feel the sensation of pressure. It was SO cool. They whizzed him off to the baby station and about 20 seconds later we heard his little cry. Best. Sound. Ever.

At this point I started to feel some SERIOUS pain. Imagine the worst period cramps you've ever had and multiply them times a billion and also set your pubic area on fire; that is about the level of pain I was feeling. I screamed to the anesthesiologist (really sick of typing that word) and she started pumping me with more juice. She said all she had left to give me would give me amnesia, and since I wanted to remember everything, I opted to not get it.

As they were stitching me up, I heard Dr. Long asking Miss Intern why she did this and why she did that. She said she was, "not comfortable" doing whatever kind of stitch he wanted her to do, and he told her she "better get comfortable with it, because next time she might not have the room." Lovely. Just what you want to hear when you're strapped to the table, shaking and shivering in intense pain. Give Dr. Long the scalpel, already!

I was having severe shoulder pain, which is known as referred pain. WOWZA. I was in so, so, so, so, so much pain it was unreal. I begged Joe to stand over me and apply pressure to my shoulders, and it made it a little more bearable. However, this is when they brought Alex over to see us...but since I was once again preferring death, and Joe was so freaked out about me, neither of us actually held him or paid too much attention to his general existence. Sorry, kiddo. We really do love you more than anything. It was just very important at that point that Mommy lived to actually hold you.

They whisked him off to the nursery because his temp was 1 degree off what it should have been. Nothing a little McDonald's-style heat lamp couldn't fix.

Since my innards were so swollen, they had a hard time "putting Humpty back together again" (as Joe so lovingly puts it). But once I was all stapled up, they whisked me off to recovery, where I stayed for about 45 minutes.

Then they wheeled me BACKWARDS up to the postpartum floor. Dear nurses of the world: do not wheel people with a predisposition to motion sickness BACKWARDS. Also, do not forget a barf bucket, because your janitorial staff will not appreciate the mess said patient makes all over your carpeted hallway.

I managed to hurl again after I was hoisted into the postpartum bed. Why can't they just have 1 bed for everything?

After I was in the room about 5 minutes, they brought Alex in. I lovingly cooed to him in my best Momma voice, "Hi, bubba!"

The obviously insane nurse says to me, "Oooh, you named him 'Bubba?'"

Who names their kid 'Bubba'? I just laughed and said, "No. That's my Alex."