A Baby Story: Part 4.

I'm shocked and impressed that you all keep coming back to read my horror story, but thank you for doing so. I swear that I have the will and desire to blog every day, but Alex usually has other plans for me.

I think I described new mommyhood best to my bf, Cait, the other day: It's like being foolishly drunk 24/7, but without the alcohol. You just try to keep your eyes open and survive. It is getting better, though. Me 'n the little man are starting to get a schedule, which is nice.

Ok, enough of that. Back to hell. Where was I? Oh, yes...9:00 am and Joe had just gotten in the shower. Lucky prick.

9:46 a.m. - Kelly B. stopped by and decided to wait on more pain meds. Made me love her a little less. Contractions every four to four and a half minutes. Joy. Rapture.

9:47 a.m. - Checking the who-ha (so funny that he called it that, right? I'll even forgive him on the spelling) to see cervix progress. This again? One cm and much shorter than last time. Progress!!

9:53 a.m. - Calling the doctor to see about starting an epidural. Ohmigod is he on friggin' speed dial? Can we Skype him in to lean out the process?

10:35 a.m. - Epidural in. Thank GOD! And truly, it didn't hurt. The hardest part was staying VERY still while he was inserting the needle...WHILE I was having contractions. Damn near impossible, but we made it. Kristi's sharp pain is almost unnoticeable. She feels VERY itchy though. It was so weird - I could feel the cold rush of fluid going in my body and then I got all tingly. Going to try and get some sleep. The Dr. who gave the epidural was awesome. True story. And, he makes like a trillion dollars a year to stab people. Note to Alex: become an anesthesiologist when you grow up so Mommy and Daddy can retire to Boca Raton.

10:38 a.m. - Kristi puked up some nice green bile. Very smelly. Thanks, honey. I held her hair back for her. Good man. Note to preggos: EAT BEFORE YOU GO TO THE HOSPITAL! It will likely be your last meal for what seems like a lifetime. Better to puke up food than bile. Trust me.

10:43 a.m. - Have had a couple contractions so far and have not felt them. So happy. You're happy, Joe? How do you think I feel? Had it not been for the epidural, I would have danced a dance that would have made Ellen Degeneres herself proud.

11:50 a.m. - Just talked to Dr Long. Kristi gets to eat a bagel. YAY! Foooooooooood! We're hoping to stop the bus at Rochester instead of Clarkston. This was a very weird birth analogy the doc used. It made perfect sense at the time, possibly because I was under the influence. We are basically in labor induction mode.

12:00 p.m. - This is the most delicious bagel in the entire world. True story. I believe I was proclaiming rather loudly that Jesus himself baked it for me. And we found out how catheters work. Best. Invention. Ever. All the fun of peeing with none of the work!

12:15 p.m. - Chucked up the most delicious bagel in the entire world. Oh, it was awful. It tasted like bagel, crap, and grape Jolly Ranchers. Kristi told Kelli to NEVER have sex. I think I actually told her max out the intimacy at high fiving the opposite sex. Maybe some occasional hugging or dry humping, if necessary. Sex = babies = THIS. DON'T DO IT! I remember everyone was laughing at me...quite hysterically...yet I was not kidding.

1:05 p.m. - 2.5 cm dilated. WOOT! We like when nurse Kelly does it instead of the Doctors because she has small hands. Another reason to love her!

1:12 p.m. - Got a bolster to the epidural to help ease the pain. *sings* Hit me with your best shot, fire awaaaaaaaaaay!

2:45 p.m. - Ok, we are kick-starting this party. Starting the pitocin. Hip, hip, horray. If I've learned anything from my hours and hours of TLC, it's that pitocin brings on the baby!!

3:20 p.m. - Four cms, people! YES! YES! YES! Cervix is forward so checking doesn't hurt as much. Um, and that whole epidural thing REALLY helps. Brushed her teeth, washed up (whore's bath) and put in her contacts. Semi-human feeling, not gonna lie.

3:25 p.m. - Contraction pain is in the pubic area. Hoping one more dose of epidural will help ease the pain these next few hours. Give me just enough to take away the pain, stopping just short of killing me. That would be fine, thankyouverymuch.

3:26 p.m. - Doctor Long is on his way to the hospital. All good signs!

This is where Joey's fab Excel spreadsheet ends...and most likely because this is where it all went downhill. Dr. Long arrived to my room about 4:30 p.m. and we filled him in on the last 20 or so hours. He noticed that the external monitors weren't picking up my contractions, so he wanted to put an internal monitor in me. Great, another hand up there.

So, up he goes into my netherregions and it was at that moment I KNEW something was wrong. His eyes got all big and demanded to see the Dr. who examined me at 4 cms. Kelly spoke up and said it was she (her?) who had done the exam, so Dr. Long asked her to exam me again and to tell him if it felt the same as it did when she last checked me. Really? Again?

Her eyes did what his did when she finally got her hand up there, and that was that. Apparently, Alex had been bumping his little noggin on my cervix in a woeful attempt to get the eff out of me. However, his melon was larger than my girlie parts would allow through, so a sort of "trauma" happened to my innards and everything was swollen. Only way to get him out was to do it himself with a scalpel and a surgical mask. And an intern, but we'll get to that later...

Dr. Long gave us the nicest, longest little speech about what was happening with my body and how disappointing it was to have it end this way. No shit, Sherlock. Joe asked when the surgery would be and he said, "Within the half hour."

AHHHHHHHHHHH!

The twenty minutes of surgery prep that followed are mostly a blur. I remember the anesthesiologist coming in and juicing me up, the buzz of the razor (so much for that bikini wax...), and Joe putting on his funny little surgery outfit. Heelarious.

And with that, I was wheeled off to the OR. Stay tuned for the best of the worst!