Saturday, May 16, 2009

A Baby Story: The Conclusion.

I think I have completely scared enough of you right out of your ovaries, so I won't give you the blow-by-blow of the recovery process. Let's just say that a C-Section is may-jah (Vicki B. whatup?!) surgery, and when all you want to do is hop right out of bed to rescue your screaming child, it's not the best course of action for healing.

I continue to feel better every day, and my body is almost back to normal. The stretch marks will never go away, but I'll take my friend Jen's advice and look at them as battle scars I can show Alex one day. Hopefully, he will think they are cool.

To close out the L&D story, I'll exit David Letterman style: with a Top 10 List.

Top 10 things to remember as you go into/are in labor:

1. Starting at about 38 weeks, carry a ShamWOW with you everywhere you never know when your water might break!

2. EAT before you go to the hospital. Eat like you've never eaten before. And when they ask you if you would like to supa-size your order, your answer should be, "Eff yes!"

3. Nurses are hit or miss, but be nice to them even if they are notsonice to you, because they truly are the keepers of your fate.

4. If you happen to give birth at a hospital that also has a Ben & Jerry's in the cafeteria, remind your husband and father to NOT go get some for themselves and BRING IT UP TO YOUR ROOM AND EAT IT IN FRONT OF YOU WHILE YOU ARE IN LABOR. Rude.

5. Ask for the mobile heartrate/contraction monitors if your hospital has them. Otherwise, they have to unhook you every time you have to get up or pee. Any time you don't/can't hear the heartbeat is unnerving.

6. When you place your orders for breakfast, lunch and dinner, order extra. Hubby is hungry, too...and you're paying for it...well, insurance is, but whatever.

7. ASK. ASK. ASK. Ask about anything and everything you have questions on. We asked about pumping and I scored a free pump kit out of it. (We had the pump machine...thank you Erin!...but not the cords and actual pumping mechanisms and containers.) You can score lots of stuff while you're a patient, but once they discharge you, the gold mine dries up.

8. To that point, ask for extra hospital undies (they are soooo fancy...haha) to take home with you. Your regular undies will not be your friend for the first few weeks, and those giant, mesh atrocities are COMFY!

9. Since I'm eating breakfast, I'll keep this one to the point: the stuff that comes out of you after you birth a child is gross. Sick-uh-ning. It does not go away for awhile. *cue vomit*

10. I think I've done a pretty good job at keeping this whole experience real for you. But I have to also insert the caveat that childbirth is also wonderful, amazing, incredible, life-changing, and all those other cheesy things that Hallmark oozes. You're life will never, ever be the same...and mostly for the better. :)


Our really empty nest said...

and now the real fun begins!!

Ashley said...

Ooh can't wait!

hehe you crack me up

Mrs. Newlywed said...


I am glad you are being honest about it. If I have to hear one more story about how amazing labor is I will die.


Amy (the Happy Mom!) said...

The only pregnancy craving I had was for fruity candy. I downed an entire pack of Starburst, Twizzlers, Sour Skittles, Regular Skittles, another pack of Starburst, and another pack of Twizzlers in the 12 hours before I went to the hospital. Guess my body felt it would need the sugar rush.

I second eating before you go. I hemorrhaged after delivery (and also wasn't paying attention to my kid, glad to know I wasn't the only one!). Hemorrhaged, then puked (they gave me the apple juice I asked for while they were still cleaning things up. Who fricking thought that would be a good idea?!

Anyway, thanks for sharing!