Pregnancy ain't pretty.

I'm sure if I sat here long enough I could come up with a laundry list of reasons why pregnancy is the most beautiful thing the galaxy. But in the here and now (see also: 31 weeks), the single good thing I can think of about pregnancy is the outcome itself. And even that can be questionable (see also: when your 4 year old learns that boogers and farts are funny).

And so, because I don't think I've done nearly enough complaining around here lately to keep you properly entertained, I give you my current top 5 list of things about pregnancy that can take a long walk off a short bridge. In no particular order, since I hate them all equally:

1. Leg cramps. Dear GOD the leg cramps. Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night fearing my actual leg is being hacked off at the knee. And I eat my fair share of bananas, yo.
2. Pee. I'm not quite sure how pregnancy plumbing works, but I know it's real different from not-pregnant plumbing. All I do is pee. All the times. Peeing. Every minute. Of every day.
3. Pelvic stompings. With each and every step I take (which is a lot...please see #2) Harper knocks on my pelvis as if to ask, "May I come out yet?" I tell her YES every damn time, but allegedly she's playing a mean game of "ring and run" on me. Not cool, Harper. Not cool.
4. Food in general. Five minutes ago I wanted a granola bar. Now? I'm pretty sure granola is the worst idea, ever. This is the story of mealtime for me, 3 times a day, 7 days a week.
5. Clothes. Every single piece of maternity clothing ever made can go straight to hell as far as I'm concerned. The pants? Don't stay up. The shirts? Annoyingly too short or too boobalicious or too full of ridiculous bows or frill. The dresses? Miu mius, the lot of 'em.

I could probably take this list up to 100, but we'll keep it at 5 today so I have some more material for other posts. Ciao, gotta pee.

1 week! 1 week!

We take a small break from my regular enthusiasm regarding the move to address 4 things that suck.

1. I have been pregnant for roughly 6 of the last 12 months with nothing to show for it but a tired body and 3 pairs of kickass maternity jeans from Gap that I got on clearance that have yet to see the light of day.

2. Hospitals should not be allowed to send bills for visits that sucked. See also: miscarriage, death, cancer, loss of limbs. Only people whose lives they actually save or make better should have to pay bills. Obviously I'm being melodramatic but you get my point. I don't need ANOTHER reminder, thankyouveryuch.

3. People should not be allowed to send meeting notices from the 11:30 am hour into the 1 pm hour, most specifically from 12-1. As such. I've been declining all meetings during this time because, hello? I'm eating. Back off.

4. I have packed at least 1 box a day (probably an average of 3) since July 16. I made detailed spreadsheets and alphabetized lists of all the things that needed to get done up to the minute of the move, and despite the rooms full of packed boxes and bubble wrap, I still feel like I've accomplished next to nothing. I'm an anxious, hot mess and I just want to be in my house already.

In totally related news, this time next week I will be wearing a tiara and wielding a wand instructing all the big, strong men where to put my things. Eeeee!

Workplace 101.

1. Take all personal calls (yes, this includes job interviews) in the hallway. Or a conference room.
2. Do not clip your nails at your desk. Do I really need to say this again?
3. Wear deodorant.
4. Do not wear copious amounts of perfume. Or cologne.
5. Do not make up words. It definitely does NOT make you sound smarter.
6. Unless you literally work in the healthcare field, you are not saving lives. Don't act like you are.
7. Leave your smelly lunches at home. See also: tuna, thai food, questionable meats.
8. Reply when someone says 'hello' back in the elevator. You can even grunt it. I promise it won't kill you. Unless you are a zombie. Then, just stay away.
9. If my headphones are in, it's likely that I'm ignoring you on purpose.
10. If you're not laughing at least twice a day, you're not doing it right.

It really is that simple, people.

This weekend, I will...

• Finish cleaning out my closet and drawers. Also, purge half of everything.
• Go to the park. Probably that new one with the Fire Truck playstations.
• Populate the new storage bins we got for Alex's toys in the basement. Also, box up all the "baby" toys he no longer plays with.
• Drink margaritas. Skinny Girl, because I just can't quit you, Bethenny.
• Make my Dad grill me his famous beer and butter chicken. See also: "Convince Dad to come visit on Sunday since Mom is off gallivanting in CT with Sam-e-oh."
• Weed my flower beds. Ok, probably not, but it's good to have a goal, right?
• Finish my latest reading obsession, The Bride Quartet by Nora Roberts. While drinking margaritas.

I think that's about it. Ooh! And I shall make coffee on Sunday morning. Yesyesyes. This is all turning out quite nicely.

Also? Until about 3 minutes ago I thought 'gallivanting' was for sure spelled 'galavanting.' ::facepalm:: Thanks, spellcheck. Wait...maybe both are right?

NIEPHEW WATCH: DAY 2.

Still nothing. Still waiting. Still twiddling.

To pass the time, let's partake in an activity that I do when I'm nervous, shall we? Listmaking!

Things that suck:

• Tube socks. I prefer anklets.
• Christina Aguilera's memory.
• Winter paleness. I seriously could be in the cast of Twilight right about now.

Things that are awesome:

• "Imported from Detroit" Chrysler commercial.
• Mascara.
• 7-11 nachos. Which I had for dinner last night. Mom of the Year, right here.
• Giveaways.