The Laziest Post, Ever.

So, I'm suuuuuuuure you've all seen those "25 Things" notes going around Facebook like lice in a classroom...and I've finally given in. I was tagged approximately 92 times, so here goes: (A direct copy/paste job from my profile. So, so lazy.)

1. I LOVE wearing the color black. To those who say it’s not a color, or that it’s the combination of all colors—whatever. If it weren’t for friends/Joey always encouraging me to buy other colors, I would always, always, always dress in black…at least black shirts. And I’m not gothic or anything. I just feel pretty in black. Maybe it’s the hair?

2. I would eat nacho cheese on anything. Literally, anything. I would even eat nacho cheese covered in nacho cheese.

3. Once, an elephant snotted on my stomach. Seriously. We were in Thailand at a zoo and the elephant guy asked for volunteers to help with a trick. My hand shot up and before I knew it I was lying on the ground with an elephant hovering over me. It stopped to gently rest every limb on my belly as it walked OVER me – and then finished by putting its trunk on my belly and blowing snot crap on my shirt. Despite how disgusting it sounds, it was so freakin’ cool.

4. If I was a billionaire I would pay Pontiac to retrofit their assembly lines and custom build me a 2001 Yellow Aztek. I miss that car more than words can ever express. Damn you, semi truck!

5. I was bit by a tick when I was 3 and got Lyme’s Disease. As a result of said disease, I can’t really recall any childhood memories from ages 3-5, save one trip to the hospital when Kelli gave me Bear Bear to protect me. That’s seriously all I have in the memory bank.

6. I love to write, but am pretty sure I don’t have the concentration to write a book, though I have thought about it. Instead, I’ve condensed my daily ridiculousness into this blog, and I've become rather attached to it.

7. I do not believe in outer space. I never will. Do not try to convince me.

8. I LOVE vacuuming so much that it’s almost sick. It actually saddens me that our house is mostly hardwood floors. In turn, the Swiffers get a lot of use.

9. I never brushed my teeth at night until I married Joe. He thought it was gross. I now agree. Surprisingly, I have great teeth.

10. I could eat plain, cooked egg noodles for every meal, every day. Or, covered in nacho cheese.

11. High School was the biggest waste of time and energy, ever. And, truth be told, only 1 semester of college was actually necessary to get me by in my professional life. The rest was just for fun.

12. There is only one secret that I have that no one in my whole life knows about. Not my sister. Not my husband. Not my best friend. Nobody but me. I will take it to my grave.

13. I never, ever, ever thought that any man would ever measure up to the pedestal that I have my dad on. Then I met Joe.

14. I love the smell of coconut but hate the flavor.

15. Jeans with stretch are probably the greatest thing ever invented. I buy a pair of jeans on every third shopping trip. This cannot be controlled.

16. I’m not entirely sure what I did with my spare time before the internet.

17. I loathe details. In any situation, just give me the facts/what I need to know. I will figure the rest out.

18. At any given time, there are no less than 3 different types of shampoo/conditioner in my shower. I feel it’s in the best interest of my locks to rotate. (Little-known tips from Topanga!)

19. I love to travel…specifically to resorts on the beach in faraway places. The weird part is that I hate the beach. I will spend ALL my time by the pool…but the resort MUST have a beach.

20. I’ve always wanted to be a blonde.

21. If MTV could make a show out of my inner monologues, I’m pretty sure I’d be rich. Then I could get my Aztek.

22. I want to have Lasik surgery more than anything else on the earth but am certain I will be that 1 in 1,000,000 statistic that goes blind.

23. To that point, if I had to choose to be either deaf or blind, I would choose to be deaf.

24. I want a tattoo but am pretty sure I’m not cool enough for it. I even have it designed…drew it at a bar before a Spice Girls’ concert.

25. Yeah. I went to a Spice Girls concert…and it was AWESOME.

AAAHHHH so my friend Allison TOTALLY reminded me of the weirdest fact about me that I inadvertently left off the list. (Pregnant brain, maybe?) Anyway, here it is:

26. This one time...at summer camp...(true story) I was found ASLEEP 1 approximately 1 mile from my cabin in the middle of the night. I had an issue with sleepwalking and some genius thought it smart to put me in the bunk next to the door. I don't recall anything, except waking up just before they found me and screaming/crying hysterically. I was in therapy for 1 year following this incident. After that, I was always in the bunk farthest from the door at camp and my counselors would lock the doors at night. Serious.

The Remote Trick.

Preface: for what it's worth, I totally posted this yesterday (Thursday), but for some reason it didn't show up until today (Friday)...even though the post says "Thursday." Whatever. I still maintain my perfect post record this week.

I've been trying to capture the remote trick since I blogged about it a week or so ago. But, it seems that the WIPster is very camera shy, because the second I hit "record" he stops moving. And, in turn, when I hit "stop recording," he starts again. He's going to be a handful when he's a teenager.

I wish I could bring my TV remote to work, because I could capture some serious movement between the hours of 9am-11am. Or maybe I will take it to Panera. He seems to really like the cookies there.

Regardless, here's what I was able to capture. It's not his best work, but it will do for now. And yes, we were watching "House" when I recorded this.

Also - This is why WIP will be encouraged to get dirty...and maybe even eat some dirt. :) (Thanks, Allison!)

Hump Day, Bump Day!

Drumroll please...I'm officially in the third trimester!! (Well, some sources say it's as early as 25, but I'm going with 28.) Glass half-full: I'm 2/3 done gestating. Glass half empty: There's still 1/3 to go.

Here's the bump at week 28 (note that I wore my classiest tee shirt for today's shoot...I believe there's even a hole or two in the shoulder you can't see. Just call me Gisele.):

"Congratulations, Kristi! You're 28 Weeks Pregnant. Your baby measures about 10 inches from crown to rump, or a total length of about 15.75 inches from head to toe, and weighs about 2.4 pounds. He is able to dream when sleeping and his eyelids open and close. His lungs are almost fully developed, so there's a good chance that baby would survive if born prematurely. Your uterus extends well above your navel. As baby gets bigger and stronger this month, you may experience leg cramps and mild swelling of ankles and feet, difficulty sleeping, shortness of breath, lower abdominal aches, clumsiness or scattered Braxton Hicks contractions (hardening and relaxing of the uterus). These contractions are normal but if they start showing a pattern, call your health care provider. You may also be urinating more frequently as the uterus continues to push on your bladder."

I'm quite sure it's impossible to "urinate more frequently." I'm in the wizzer every 10 minutes. True story. No BH contractions yet, but I'm sure if/when they happen I will totally freak out. That might be a blog entry worth popping some corn for.

I'm excited we're getting to the "safe zone" for premature birth. Not that I anticipate the lil' bugger wanting out of his cozy playground, but it's still nice to know.

In other news, I won free tickets to a private screening of "New In Town" with Renee Zellweger and Harry Connickmyboyfriend, Jr. last night. It was sponsored by FOX2 News' Ladies' Night Program - so imagine Joe's elation when I told him he could be my +1. It was a fun night overall...we appreciated the free date night. But, save yourself some moolah and add it to your Netflix queue. It was cute, but cast totally wrong. Well, except HCJ. He can do no wrong.

Bwaaaahahahaha.

I know I already posted today, but this was FAR too perfectly perfect to not share with all my friends, stalkers and accidental visitors.

My friend and colleague, Marissa, is also PG with her first child. She's about 2 months behind me, so when we do get the chance to talk about non-work related things, it's usually an exchange of pregnancy-related drama and the like.

I called her yesterday to share my hilariously frustrating story about my quest to get maternity leave/FMLA time locked down (more frustrating than hilarious...story for another post). Anyway, at the end of the call I was sharing with her some good news that I had just been told by a friend - that most insurances will cover some or all of the cost of a breast pump (though they don't like to tell you about it!). Simply have your doc write a prescription and fill it at the hospital pharmacy. (Can I get a WOOT, WOOT!?)

One thing led to another (sorry to those in the office who overheard me say "breast" one too many times) and then she started telling me about this ridic ad she and her hubby saw in a PG magazine - something about a very corporate looking woman clearly on a conference call with her shirt all open while some magical hands-free breast pump was working away. I instructed her I had to see this ad...and rather immediately. Behold:



I know you're laughing, right? But props to the masterminds behind this insane ad, because not only am I blogging about it, you will all remember it and probably tell your friends, too. It's Advertising 101. Brills. And also pretty darn hilarious.

And, for and extra giggle, Marissa asks the following questions of the ad in question:

1. Why is she so happy about this situation?
2. Who is she talking to?
3. What is she writing in her daily agenda? (12:30 p.m. – “hook up awesome new bustier” 12:32 p.m. – "make a business call")
4. Um yeah, WHO IS SHE TALKING TO?

Can you imagine that call?

Boss: "Yes, so I need to review the fourth quarter TPS reports ASAP."

Mom/Employee: "Oh, yes, Mr. Bossman. I will fax those over to you as soon as I suction these pumps off my boobies and button up my shirt. I'm on it!"

I mean, really.

Let Me Tell You What You Can Do With That Measuring Tape.

I am fearful that much like the priesthood, seamstresses are a dying profession. Literally.

Is it just me or is every seamstress employed by bridal shops about a zillion years old? I mean, really. The lady who altered my wedding dress was the youngest I've ever encountered and she was pushing 60.

The same can be said for the seamstress at the place we ordered our dresses for Jill and Kyle's wedding. She was 85 going on a trillion...and a little senile to boot. (What? She totally was!)

Anyway, here's how it went: we all took our turns in the dressing room trying on the dress - yes, even I tried it on and it was hilarious. The dress itself is beautiful - navy skirt, navy sweetheart top with a white ribbon and SPARKLES!

Then we all got our turn with Grandma-the-seamstress in the dressing room. Yes, even me. Keep in mind I am due in April and the wedding is in August.

After we were all measured she took us to the front desk and compared our measurements to the size chart to recommend a size to order.

When it was my turn, I reiterated my due date and the wedding date. Grams slid her glasses down her noes to better see the size chart and scrolled her finger down one of the columns to find my size.

"Well, according to this, honey, we'll need to order you this size," she said rather condescendingly.

SHE WAS POINTING TO A 28. A FREAKING 28.

I said, "Well, I mean no disrespect, but that has to be wrong. I just tried on the sample 8 skirt and it fit - short of 3 inches at the top that wouldn't zip because I am SEVEN. MONTHS. PREGNANT."

She just shrugged her shoulders and reiterated, "Well, honey, that's what the chart says."

After a few minutes of polite arguing, she realized she was looking at the wrong columns and conceded the victory. I mean, really. A 28?

So, the good news is that the dress is on order (NOT a 28) and I can now go shopping for shoes!! The bad news is that some other sucker is probably in there today not bold enough to sass back to Grams and will end up wearing a tent to her brother's wedding.

Blah.

It's Monday (like I needed to tell you that) AND I'm miserable. It's like that book...my own version of a no-good-very-bad-day.

Yes, this is a pity post. Deal. I've been sick for THREE weeks now and all I want to do is OD on Advil Cold & Sinus and sleep for 4 days. What's worse, Joe's going to the doc today to get himself a Z-Pack. Why can't we suffer and be miserable together? I did, after all, agree to that whole "for better or worse" thing...

To top it off, I took a sneek peak at my Week 28 update and it's chock full o' good news for the WIPpersnapper and notsogoodnews for me. Granted, I would cut off a limb for the little man, but still.

I suppose the light at the end of the tunnel is that today can only go up, up, up. I'm anticipating the uppage occuring right around 5:30 when I step into my glorious sweatpants and snuggle in with Jake and Joey for the evening. The countdown begins!

"Pre" Anything.

Yesterday at work I was sent an email with a call to action to "pre-register" for a webinar.

Pre-register?

How is that different from registering? It's the same, exact process. You are not pre-doing anything. Same with pre-paying. You are not pre-paying; you are simply paying. Paying in advance? Sure. But not pre-paying.

It's something that has always bothered me...feels good to get it off my chest.

In other news, today is the day I order my dress for Kyle and Jill's wedding. Eeep! I'll be sure to let you know how it goes (and how hard I get laughed at).