Make mine a triple.

So I've had what can only be described as the world's loudest Superbowl Halftime show/Monster Truck Jam/any Russel Crowe movie that involves lots of fighting/swords and very little hygiene stomping through my skull since....oh, Thursday.

It is the living worst.

And I REFUSE to be a person who gets migraines. I simply refuse. I've tried everything from chiropractic to inexplicable doses of caffeine to sinus meds to massage and nothing makes the pulsating in my eyeballs go away. In what can only be described as my greatest move of desperation, I also went to the hippie dark side and had Joe rub lemongrass oil on me. The result? I smelled like Pledge and still had a headache. So that was helpful.

I'm giving my beloved chiropractor two more days, and then I'm seeing a "real" doctor. I'm sure she'll only want to medicate me and not actually find the source of the problem, which is very uncool. But I will not say no to some Valium, let's be clear on that.

And because you read the above and wasted 3-5 minutes of your life depending on your reading level, here's what you really come here for:

And also, this:

I get the message, mall marketing people. I really do. But if you're specifically catering to young people, you can't use double entendres. You just can't.

An Act of Pure Desperation.

This one's about boogers, just so you're prepared.

I've been using the nose sucker (does it have a real name? IDK...it's this thing) that we got from the hospital for Alex. Sadly, it experienced its last suck a few nights ago due to a tear in the rubber.

So I bought a replacement from Safety First. Pardon the pun, but this one SUCKS. Hardcore. So I bought another one. And it sucks even MORE. I'm convinced that hospitals have the monopoly on all the good nose suckers.

I must, must, must, must get another hospital one. I will give money. I will give Starbucks. I will even give my dignity. Who can get me one? Nurses? People having babies at hospitals that can ask for an extra?

Seriously...I will stop at nothing to get my hands on it. I'm the Mom to the biggest booger producer on the planet and need that thing to survive.

Alex would really like to breathe. Can you help?

Update: My inbox has been absolutely flooded with suggestions to look into the Nosefrida. I will admit, the thought of actually sucking the boogers out of Alex's nose literally with my own mouth makes me want to gag, but it's been thoroughly tested and proven to be safe and germ-free. Plus, the reviews are absolutely out of this world, so I basically must have one ASAP. I ordered mine online at Target...check it out!