Hopeful.

Today is the day that our sweet bdub was due. If you know my heart, you know that I don't celebrate or choose to remember what I call "death days" - ie, the anniversaries of days that people died or really horrible things happened. My sister and brother are weird and take after my Mom and can pretty much remember to the minute, hour and exact weather of those days. And that is fiiiiiine. But me? Notsomuch. That's a bunch of sad and depressing and ineffectively circular references. Instead, I remember life days--like birthdays and signs of spring and days that I bought really great new shoes.

So today, while driving into work, it was only fitting that I noticed little peeks of green in the grass where the yucky, brown snow is starting to melt. And buds on trees that will soon flower and smell like God's perfume. And for that, today I celebrate life and new beginnings and robins chirping outside. And I'll probably go buy some new shoes, too.

Today I am not sad. Today I am thankful and hopeful and content. My prayer is the same for you!

Why I love small businesses.

Earlier this year, I wanted to purchase a keepsake for myself as a little reminder of my sweet tWIPs. Something special that only I would know what it meant.

I went to all my favorite little sites and shops and eventually ran across this ring from an etsy shop called Hand Stamped by Lorelei. I've purchased many gifts from this shop before, and I knew the ring would be the perfect thing. I loved that it was sparkly and fabulous with a little, hidden engraved secret that only I would know about.

via LoreleiVella

I had mine stamped with "twips" instead of the "xoxo" and when it arrived I wore it every single day. When I looked down at my hand, I would smile to myself knowing each moment I stole was a memory for me and me alone.

And then we experienced another miscarriage earlier this year. I don't know if I ever blogged about it, but we named that baby "BDub." I sent Lorelei a note asking if she would do a custom listing for me to have "bdub" stamped in the ring...and for whatever reason, I also told her the story of why I was choosing to get such weird-sounding names stamped into a ring.

Lorelei offered to do it...and at no charge to me. And if that weren't enough, when she shipped the ring back to me she included the sweetest, kindest, hand-written note expressing her heartache for our situation. It's my perfect reminder.

Lorelei and her shop are one of the many reasons I love small businesses and why I will continue to promote them on my little corner of the Internet.

Click here to discover some of Lorelei's one-of-a kind hand stamped items. Some of my faves are pictured below. (Think ahead for Christmas gifts...it's just over 3 months away!)

"I do, me too" forks

"personalze your day" keychain

vintage silver spoon cuff

wedding date ring tray

"you are my sunshine" cuff

That sucked.

Back when I was first pregnant with the tWIPs, I stopped into Destination Maternity to pick up a couple camis I knew I would need eventually for work (hello, sale!). Anyway, if you've never shopped at a maternity store, you should know that when you check out they ask you all sorts of questions like your address, due date, mother's maiden name, social security number, favorite ice cream flavor, etc. I exaggerate a bit, but it is rather interrogational, no?

This information arms them to put you on all sorts of ridiculous mailing lists to receive coupons, samples and other useless mail throughout your 9 month incubation stage. Very tricksy, indeed.

Anyway, I had sort of completely forgotten about it until the other day when I arrived home.

When I arrived home and there was the congratulatory "one month from your due date" free can of Enfamil on my doorstep.

When I arrived home and was instantly filled with rage.

I've held my shit together pretty well considering the circumstances. When I wrote my initial blog post about the tWIPs I meant every single word I typed. Truly. I have honest to peaches had nothing but total and complete peace about this whole thing since the moment it happened. Sure, I was sad and heartbroken, but I knew deep down that whether or not I liked it or understood it, it was something that happened to me. For a reason. (A reason I will never understand, but that's out of my hands.) I made my peace with my Maker and carried on.

But back to the Enfamil.

Had others not been with  me the moment my feet hit the doorstep, I can promise you one thing: I would have picked up that can and hurled it through the nearest window with all the strength of Thor. And then I probably would have found it, picked it back up, and jumped up and down on it until it was smashed to complete smithereens. And then I would have picked up the smithereens and flushed them down the toilet with a lighted match and some butane.

I think it's probably safe to say I never went through the "anger" stage of the grieving process back in September.

This morning, I drove to work by myself. I screamed the whole way there at the top of my lungs. I pounded on my steering wheel (only at the stoplights...I promise I was safe) and turned my music up really, really loud. I'm pretty sure anyone that passed me was certain I was driving myself to the loony bin.


I guess you never know what the single drop will be that overflows your cup of crazy. For me, it was a free can of Enfamil. The good news is that I think I've officially completed all the stages of grief. We're good.

From the core of who I am, thank you.

It seems so insignificant to simply say thank you...or to somehow find the words to express my gratitude for the outpouring of love and support that came from this post. And for someone who NEVER is at a loss for words, I'm not so sure what to do next.

I wrote the post about our tWIPs for me. It wasn't for you. It wasn't for families suffering similar losses, or for other mothers who have lost babies. It wasn't even for Joey. It was totally, selifshly for me. It was for me to let it out, speak my mind and begin to heal.

But then I published it, and it did so much more than I ever thought possible. Over the last week, I've received more emails, texts, Facebook posts and notes than I could probably count, and each one was so significant. So impactful. So needed.

The Internet is a crazy, creepy place. But it's also an amazing place. A place where perfect strangers hidden behind an IP address and what may or may not actually be your real profile picture can band together in solidatarity. United in pain, happiness, fear, joy, pride, love...and motherhood.

So as simple and insignificant as it may seem, I thank all of you. Those I know, those I don't know and those who don't know me.The tWIPs and I are better and stronger because you exist.

Starting Fresh.

Ahhhh, Monday. Usually I would sulk around, complaining about how it's Monday and how I wish the weekend were a little longer or the weather a little warmer. But not today!

Today I am overwhelmingly thankful for a safe and healthy family. Last week was shitty, there's really just no nice way to sugar coat it. But today is a new start, and for that I'm thankful.

In related news, Alex now has a TOP tooth! I can't get him to sit still long enough for a picture, but I'll get one soon, promise.