Send wine, Tylenol PM and Spanx.

"A change will do you good," they say.

"They" can suck it.

So I went back to work last week, but what I failed to mention is that I came back to a new job. Same company, new boss, new department. All good stuff, but my brain is nowhere near capacity to hold in everything I need to learn and do, as it's been mostly turned off for the better part of 4 months. Sometimes it hurts to think.

I've also gotten real sick and tired of my current state of health and wellness, so I've started eating better and working out (see also: Barre classes). This means I cannot stress eat and consume all the wines and cheeses while I whine about work, life, sore muscles and moderate to severe starvation. Ugh.

In related complaints, it's still winter. Still snowing. Still cold. And the kicker is that I'm usually a lover of winter, but at the moment I would do very unsavory things to click my heels and be on a beach in 2.5 seconds. Sigh. Spring, come quickly!

And if all of that weren't enough, we did this last night:

NOPE.

Kindergarten roundup for Alex. I'll give you one sec to digest the fact that that sign reads "Class of 2027," and then you can join me over here in the corner ugly crying about it. I know he's ready. I know it's time. I know he'll be awesome. It's just SUCH a milestone, you know?

And yet, one unrelated bright and shining star throughout all of these moderately overwhelming life situations has been the discovery of REVERSIBLE tights (black/grey and black/brown) that are also Spanx. THEY EXIST. For the record, they are only $18 at Target but the online product link is broken. You're welcome.

Selfie Saturday.

Yesterday felt like a split family kind of day, as Joey lost his damn mind and went ice fishing from about 6am-4pm. As soon as he walked in the door, I flew past him like a Category 5 Hurricane in what was my first glimpse of the sun in about 3 days. Must. Breathe. Fresh. Air.

I spent my two hours of freedom at Target (which should surprise 0% of you) and in a somewhat shocking surprise, Home Depot and Lowes. Warning: I got crafty with my kitchen chandelier as inspired by my dear friend Sarah. It may or may not involve a can of red spray paint, vintage canning jars and Edison bulbs. But more on that later.

To share snippets of our days with one another, Joey and I sent selfies throughout the day. And what's a blog for than for sharing pictures of myself and my family?

They were in the basement, which is Alex's new self-claimed man cave. 

One might also call it Train Central. I think we're up to five different sets. It's fine. I think.

Whoopsie poopsie.

I'm WAY late in posting Harper & the Hippo, month 2...but I did it today! To keep them chronologically accurate, I backdated the post to December 18. Click here to read it and see her sweet pictures.

In unrelated news, the treadmill and I became frenemies again yesterday. It was terrible and embarrassing and exhausting and it hurt a lot and I was excessively sweaty, which we all know I simply loathe. I'll probably torture myself again today...not because I'm a glutton for punishment, but because my ass is very large. Bah humbug.

Salutations from my couch.

It seems that all my very strong gut feelings that this girl was going to come early were dead ass wrong. I had an appointment this morning and she's all warm & snuggly up in there and probably not making her appearance until Friday. At least she appreciates a schedule?

Which is fine.

And also not fine.

So in the meantime, I'm eating copious amounts of Qdoba and ice cream while plopped on my couch watching the last 3 weeks of Chelsea Lately that I have on the DVR. It's like I'm living the dream, only I have to get up to pee every 5 minutes, so it's not as relaxing as it sounds.

In other news, big brother Alex is getting more and more antsy by the day. In fact, last night when we went to check on him before we went to bed, we found he had stuffed all his stuffed animals ("sleep toys," as he calls them) in his shirt. It was so cute - I think he was trying to be like Mommy and keeping all his friends safe and sound.

I suppose I'll see you around here tomorrow for the world's last "Hump Day, Bump Day." I'll bring the bump, you bring the tequila.

A must read.

I had content for today, I swear it.

But then I read this.

And now you must read it. Because it's real, real funny. And also true.

You are cordially invited to the pants party.

Well, not really because they don't fit. Nothing does, really.

Tomorrow is 12 weeks (!!) and I've officially entered that "Today is the worst day of my life because nothing fits and I don't really look pregnant yet but I definitely look fatter so I'll just go eat some more ice cream...but wait I can't eat ice cream because the only thing that doesn't make me want to vomit is air so I'll just go to my room and sleep/cry some more" phase. It's a joyous place to be.

I wholeheartedly am 100% positive that this blog will contain 79.5% more pregnancy-related complaining than it did with Alex. Mostly because I know what's coming next but also because I legitimately look, feel and all-around am worse. Which might be optimistically glass-half-full for you people, because it guarantees some laughs in the next 6-7 months. So there's that.

Per uge, I'm happy to provide your daily entertainment whilst chronicling the events of the human growing we call pregnancy. So, you're welcome. Hump Day Bump day starts tomorrow!

Ta-qweee-la.

Mother of pearl it's been a whole week and I've blogged every day of it! To celebrate, I offer you a virtual cocktail that I like to think I made up all on my own, but did not. It's called a tequila ginger. Caitlin, you can go ahead and pretend I named it after you.

To make this glorious concoction, first add ice to your cup. Preferably a big cup, but I feel like that goes without saying, no? SALT THE ICE. (This is a muy importante step; don't skip it...unless, of course you have a sodium problem, in which case, you might want to actually risk it for this drink. Or whatever.) Add a shot (or three) of tequila. Finish the pour with Ginger Ale (I find Canada Dry to be the yummiest). Squeeze a 'lil lime in there, stir and kick it back, girl.

Cheers to surviving a week back at it. Have a lovely weekend, y'all. I might not even shower tomorrow, so there's that.

Celebrity gossip.

Sooooo...Will divorced Amy because he realized 2-year old Abel was not his, yes?

image credit people.com

And also, how creepy is Ron Swanson (Nick Offerman) without a beard?

That will be all for this Monday. Carry on.

Because, sometimes...

You just have to rock sequins at the office like it's 1994.

In unrelated news, webcams are the worst and coffee is the best.

Meh.

It seems that all over the blogosphere (at least the circles I run in), people are having a severe and spreading case of the writer's block blues. Someone must have sneezed in my general direction, 'cause I'm feeling it too. And not that there's a lack of things to write about--Alex is 3. He's practically a running monologue of hilariousness. I just log into blogger and I'm all "eh..." and proceed to do more reading than writing.

But here's the good news: Birthday bootcamp starts in TWO days. Well, one if you don't count today since it's technically half over. So I will soon have riveting and celebratory posts for you on the regular. (And secretly? Between you and me? Joey is "working from home" today, which I think is loosely translated into "shopping like a mad man for BDBC 2012.") Because, people? THIS IS A BIG ONE. Momma's turnin' the dirty thirty and I am wicked pumped about it.

I know some girls get all down in the dumps and mopey-dopey depressed about turning 30. Me? I say, "Bring it on!" because I'm pretty sure I'm pink puffy heart glitter sprinkle going to rock the shizz out of 30. Thirty and I are going to be good, good friends.

Meanwhile, while I work on getting my writing mojo back, I give you two of the cutest boys in the world:

Oh wait. I mean this. Yes, this:

I don't even know what to title this post.

Joe and I had an unexpected week off last week, so we laid low and did a whole bunch of nothing. Well, if nothing equates to a spontaneous trip to Chicago, late-night ice cream runs with friends, cider mills and lots of home organizing. Like I said, nothing.

Anyway, in the interest of being too lazy to blog about my week, I'd like to share the following video which was created by my cousin, Jeremy. You don't really need much backstory to understand it, except that my Dad (Greg) and his brothers like to light shit on fire. A lot. And they also like beer. A lot.

Social media 'R us.

Hiya, peeps! Long time no chat, eh? I was in Vegas last week and have FINALLY recovered. While I'm bizzy organizing my ridiculous set of cell phone pix to share with you, I thought I would give you a little homework.

One of my work peeps needs a little help to build his self esteem. One of his trade show booths is nominated for some big, fancy award and he needs to win said award to prove his self-worth. It might actually help him stop drinking. And smoking. And sucking his thumb at night. So do it for the kids, will ya?

Anyway, if you have a spare moment in your day, please click here and vote! You will get a confirmation email to click and actually register your vote & be entered in a drawing for an iPad2. So really, do it for the iPad.


As always, thank you for your love, support, and beer. Send more beer.

Hi, Uncle Kyle!

From: Little Brother
Sent: Monday, February 06, 2012 1:43 PM
To: Me
Subject: :)

I need a blog update please! I have the case of the Mondays and have checked it like 4 times today hoping!

-LOVE,
ME

__________________________

...and to think that he (a teacher) tells ME I have too much free time at work.

Pffft.

And so it begins...

I'm still here...alive and well. Just been mucho bizzy with work, life and the like. So, sorry!

In related news, the birthday coupons have started rolling in - and I'm so all over them like hazelnut cream in my coffee. BRING IT, free stuff.

In keeping with the season of my birthday and all things happiness, our house is just oozing Christmas. I mean, really. I have an obscene amount of Christmas decorations--more than six of those giant 42 gallon storage tubs. My house has puked garland, sparkle and snowflakes. But it was all worth it when we let Alex hit the button to switch on the tree. I thought he might have a heart attack.

"Mom! It's CHRISTMAS!" <--then I died.

 Welcome to our home!

I've always wanted a cranberry wreath.

And notice the Santa key in the center so the Fat Guy can get in!

 It puts me in a trance. Love it.

At some point, I will probably have
to remove the batteries on that thing.

In the meantime, it's adorable.

Things I do that are totally, admittedly bizarro.

1. When using any restroom that is not in my own home, I never take the first wraparound piece of toilet paper. I always unwind it at least 1 time fully around, toss that piece in the loo and use the next piece.
2. I always hold my breath while walking down the basement steps in my childhood home. Not up, just down. My parents should probably move out before I suffocate on a random visit.
3. Unless others are needed for dress-up reasons, I always wear anklet socks. White.
4. I log into online banking at least 3 times a day, because I am certain someone is going to hack my account. So far, so good.
5. I eat my ice cream and yogurt with Alex's baby spoons because it lasts longer.

My 12 year old self just peed my pants in excitement.

Seriously, guys! This is like, BIG! Cue Leally Blonde Soundtrack... "Oh my God, oh my God you guys!"

JTT (for my oldish readers, we're talking Jonathan Taylor Thomas, here) IS ALIVE! People.com, my go-to source for all relevant, current and breaking news, proves it here and also here. And as far as link #2 is concerned, why does little brother Mark look like he's about to stab someone? And forgive me for asking the obvious, but where is Wilson?

Le sigh. No matter how old I get, JTT will always have a special place in my heart. He was so dreamy...and my 12 year old self maybe still doodles his name with hearts all around it in my notebook. No? Too much? Creepy stalker vibes?

Whatever. If you are a female reader between the ages of like 25-35, you can't deny it. You loved him, too. Unless you loved Mark. In which case, ewwww. Just ewww.

UPDATE: Apparently Wilson died in 2003. Obviously, People.com did not cover this news.

This weekend, I will...

• Finish cleaning out my closet and drawers. Also, purge half of everything.
• Go to the park. Probably that new one with the Fire Truck playstations.
• Populate the new storage bins we got for Alex's toys in the basement. Also, box up all the "baby" toys he no longer plays with.
• Drink margaritas. Skinny Girl, because I just can't quit you, Bethenny.
• Make my Dad grill me his famous beer and butter chicken. See also: "Convince Dad to come visit on Sunday since Mom is off gallivanting in CT with Sam-e-oh."
• Weed my flower beds. Ok, probably not, but it's good to have a goal, right?
• Finish my latest reading obsession, The Bride Quartet by Nora Roberts. While drinking margaritas.

I think that's about it. Ooh! And I shall make coffee on Sunday morning. Yesyesyes. This is all turning out quite nicely.

Also? Until about 3 minutes ago I thought 'gallivanting' was for sure spelled 'galavanting.' ::facepalm:: Thanks, spellcheck. Wait...maybe both are right?

I do, in fact, have legs.

Remember Sans Pants Pam? Yes, well, other than our love of words, snark and Frill, we are basically the opposite in every way possible. In the same way she is dress obsessed, I am pants obsessed.

In fact, it recently dawned on me that I have never, ever, ever, ever in my professional career worn a skirt to work. Ever. This is not hyperbole. I literally have worn dress pants every single day for the last 7 years.

Alas, someone in the office decided yesterday would be a superb day to have an outdoor picnic lunch. I was not about to schweat my balls off while eating crappy pizza in 100° heat, so I thought I would throw together a little capri number for the day. Until, BAM. A brown linen skirt practically fell out of my closet. I don't know where it came from. I don't even know if, in fact, it is mine. But I do stand by the old 'finders keepers' rule, so I tried it on and somehow magically a-la Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants, it fit. And looked relatively normal.

And so, I wore it.

It's me! In a skirt! Nearly as rare as the sighting of the one eyed, one horned flying purple people eater. Obviously, I am also showing off my afternoon Starbuckies delight, as well as the wicked awesome bruise on my right cankle, courtesy of the French River.

In summary, I did not hate wearing a skirt. I also did not love it. And while I will most likely never escalate to the level of crazy that is Sans Pants Pam, I might rotate a skirt into the mix every now and again. You're welcome, world.

Rain, rain go away.

Today is a dreary day in Detroit, so here's a little face full o' sunshine in an adorable yellow raincoat to bring the world some joy:

Knee deep.

I'm up to my armpits over here! Literally with Snomageddon 2011 and figuratively with life/work shenanigans. In fact, I had to stay at a hotel close to work on Tuesday night to ensure that I could be at the office on Wednesday. Props to Joe for being superdad this week...

The blog will likely be intensely boring until sometime next week when I will officially launch NIEPHEW WATCH: 2011. He or she will be arriving any day now...Monday marks one week before Kelli's due date, which is exactly when I delivered Alex. As soon as I get the call I'm on the first plane outta here!!! C'MON, NIEPHEW!!!!