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Tuesday, January 31, 2012
Monday, January 30, 2012
Lies, lies, lies!
So I bought a new scale this weekend, because Alex enjoyed pressing the "beeper button" on my old one and sadly, it went to the curb in Friday's garbage takeout.
Anyway, this new scale is an asshole and tells out-and-out LIES. It gets the literal middle finger.
I suppose it's time to make friends with the treadmill again. More hair sweat is required.
Anyway, this new scale is an asshole and tells out-and-out LIES. It gets the literal middle finger.
I suppose it's time to make friends with the treadmill again. More hair sweat is required.
Thursday, January 26, 2012
You know, I have one simple request. And that is to have sharks with frickin' laser beams attached to their heads! Now evidently my cycloptic colleague informs me that that cannot be done.
Anyway, I promise I have a point here. As many a true drama queen would say...YOU GUISE! I HAVE BIG NEWS!
I recently took a big step in the world of being a grown up and also doing things I am afraid of and had my very first laser hair removal appointment. You know...down there.
Yes! I did it! And GUESS WHAT? It was fantastical! I saw ponies! And unicorns! And things on sale at MAC! (Ok, that never happens, but still. You see my point.)
I can't believe I didn't do this sooner. It will take 6 treatments to be totally swimsuit ready, but I seriously cannot wait. I will never have to have another godforsaken bikini wax ever in my entire life. Aaaand, I can take all of the people who ever gave me a bikini wax off my hit list and burn their voodoo dolls--it seems so cleansing! Why did I wait until I was freaking twenty freaking nine? Ugh. I will probably also feel the same way about Lasik once I am brave enough to do that. But baby steps, here.
In related news, I should also profess that I cannot be held responsible if you try this treatment and feel vast amounts of pain. I may or may not have consumed one of Joey's Tylenol 3s leftover from his shoulder surgery prior to being zapped with the laser. I plead the fifth.
I recently took a big step in the world of being a grown up and also doing things I am afraid of and had my very first laser hair removal appointment. You know...down there.
Yes! I did it! And GUESS WHAT? It was fantastical! I saw ponies! And unicorns! And things on sale at MAC! (Ok, that never happens, but still. You see my point.)
I can't believe I didn't do this sooner. It will take 6 treatments to be totally swimsuit ready, but I seriously cannot wait. I will never have to have another godforsaken bikini wax ever in my entire life. Aaaand, I can take all of the people who ever gave me a bikini wax off my hit list and burn their voodoo dolls--it seems so cleansing! Why did I wait until I was freaking twenty freaking nine? Ugh. I will probably also feel the same way about Lasik once I am brave enough to do that. But baby steps, here.
In related news, I should also profess that I cannot be held responsible if you try this treatment and feel vast amounts of pain. I may or may not have consumed one of Joey's Tylenol 3s leftover from his shoulder surgery prior to being zapped with the laser. I plead the fifth.
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
Applause. More applause. Curtain call.
Some of you may or may not know that I have a bit of a theatrical past. The "theater bug" bit me when I was about 14--and I think I did well over 20 shows from that time until my freshman year in college. I've played many roles--from Cinderella to Grace Farrell to Dorothy to Tzeitel to Chava. Yeah, did that one twice. Every single show made a huge impact in my life, and nearly all of the friends I made along the way are still a very important and meaningful part of my life.
I try to make music an important part of Alex's life, too. We sing a lot of show tunes, nursery rhymes and silly songs that we make up as we go. Lately, we've been loving a lot on "Annie." Specifically, "Tomorrow."
Please sit down and turn on your pacemaker, because this is heart stopping cuteness. Also, ignore the first 30 seconds when he's trying to find his nipples (he got curious about what those were the other day, so I had to impart some honest Mom knowledge - a hilarious and awkward post for tomorrow perhaps) but stick around until the end when he really gets into it. I was clapping. I was crying. I was throwing roses at the stage. He's so my kid.
I try to make music an important part of Alex's life, too. We sing a lot of show tunes, nursery rhymes and silly songs that we make up as we go. Lately, we've been loving a lot on "Annie." Specifically, "Tomorrow."
Please sit down and turn on your pacemaker, because this is heart stopping cuteness. Also, ignore the first 30 seconds when he's trying to find his nipples (he got curious about what those were the other day, so I had to impart some honest Mom knowledge - a hilarious and awkward post for tomorrow perhaps) but stick around until the end when he really gets into it. I was clapping. I was crying. I was throwing roses at the stage. He's so my kid.
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
Yesterday, in pictures.
Hair sweat courtesy of nth Degree Fitness in Royal Oak. Also, I was parked when the above photos were so skillfully taken. I promise.
Monday, January 23, 2012
Best email, ever.
From: My Dad
Sent: Monday, January 23, 2012 11:14 AM
To: The whole family
Sent: Monday, January 23, 2012 11:14 AM
To: The whole family
You know you're having a bad day when you order a small coffee from McDonalds and when you go to pay, the worker at the window says, "Oh, you qualify for the cheaper, Senior Citizen coffee!" I'm just saying...
____________________
And then I peed my pants. Obviously.
A variety show, of sorts.
Starring: my Middle Finger. I've been using it a lot lately, in many forms.
Curtain.
The Verbal Middle Finger
Implied by the tone of my voice. Used in various supermarket encounters with rude individuals and also on the phone recently with my health care provider.
The Facial Expression Middle Finger
This is a special form of the MF, exacerbated by my dark features and laser beam-capable eyes. This one is reserved for those people that still write checks in the supermarket line and Michiganians that always seem to forget how to drive come the first snowfall.
The Literal Middle Finger
Used during the January 12 episode of Grey's Anatomy. Extensively.
The Body Language Middle Finger
Also referred to as the cold shoulder, though the BLMF is a much more rare creature. This one is typically reserved for meetings during which I am annoyed and also when service providers (see also: stylist, manicurist, physicians) are running obscenely late for my scheduled appointment time.
The Incognito Middle Finger
This one marks some of my best work. I have honed these skills over many, many years. You wouldn't even know when I'm doing it because I'm overtly sweet, as if to cover up the fact that I want to tear your face off. See also: situations in which I cannot win.
End scene.
I think I have a lot of issues to work out.
Curtain.
The Verbal Middle Finger
Implied by the tone of my voice. Used in various supermarket encounters with rude individuals and also on the phone recently with my health care provider.
The Facial Expression Middle Finger
This is a special form of the MF, exacerbated by my dark features and laser beam-capable eyes. This one is reserved for those people that still write checks in the supermarket line and Michiganians that always seem to forget how to drive come the first snowfall.
The Literal Middle Finger
Used during the January 12 episode of Grey's Anatomy. Extensively.
The Body Language Middle Finger
Also referred to as the cold shoulder, though the BLMF is a much more rare creature. This one is typically reserved for meetings during which I am annoyed and also when service providers (see also: stylist, manicurist, physicians) are running obscenely late for my scheduled appointment time.
The Incognito Middle Finger
This one marks some of my best work. I have honed these skills over many, many years. You wouldn't even know when I'm doing it because I'm overtly sweet, as if to cover up the fact that I want to tear your face off. See also: situations in which I cannot win.
End scene.
I think I have a lot of issues to work out.
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