Saturday, January 31, 2009

The Laziest Post, Ever.

So, I'm suuuuuuuure you've all seen those "25 Things" notes going around Facebook like lice in a classroom...and I've finally given in. I was tagged approximately 92 times, so here goes: (A direct copy/paste job from my profile. So, so lazy.)

1. I LOVE wearing the color black. To those who say it’s not a color, or that it’s the combination of all colors—whatever. If it weren’t for friends/Joey always encouraging me to buy other colors, I would always, always, always dress in black…at least black shirts. And I’m not gothic or anything. I just feel pretty in black. Maybe it’s the hair?

2. I would eat nacho cheese on anything. Literally, anything. I would even eat nacho cheese covered in nacho cheese.

3. Once, an elephant snotted on my stomach. Seriously. We were in Thailand at a zoo and the elephant guy asked for volunteers to help with a trick. My hand shot up and before I knew it I was lying on the ground with an elephant hovering over me. It stopped to gently rest every limb on my belly as it walked OVER me – and then finished by putting its trunk on my belly and blowing snot crap on my shirt. Despite how disgusting it sounds, it was so freakin’ cool.

4. If I was a billionaire I would pay Pontiac to retrofit their assembly lines and custom build me a 2001 Yellow Aztek. I miss that car more than words can ever express. Damn you, semi truck!

5. I was bit by a tick when I was 3 and got Lyme’s Disease. As a result of said disease, I can’t really recall any childhood memories from ages 3-5, save one trip to the hospital when Kelli gave me Bear Bear to protect me. That’s seriously all I have in the memory bank.

6. I love to write, but am pretty sure I don’t have the concentration to write a book, though I have thought about it. Instead, I’ve condensed my daily ridiculousness into this blog, and I've become rather attached to it.

7. I do not believe in outer space. I never will. Do not try to convince me.

8. I LOVE vacuuming so much that it’s almost sick. It actually saddens me that our house is mostly hardwood floors. In turn, the Swiffers get a lot of use.

9. I never brushed my teeth at night until I married Joe. He thought it was gross. I now agree. Surprisingly, I have great teeth.

10. I could eat plain, cooked egg noodles for every meal, every day. Or, covered in nacho cheese.

11. High School was the biggest waste of time and energy, ever. And, truth be told, only 1 semester of college was actually necessary to get me by in my professional life. The rest was just for fun.

12. There is only one secret that I have that no one in my whole life knows about. Not my sister. Not my husband. Not my best friend. Nobody but me. I will take it to my grave.

13. I never, ever, ever thought that any man would ever measure up to the pedestal that I have my dad on. Then I met Joe.

14. I love the smell of coconut but hate the flavor.

15. Jeans with stretch are probably the greatest thing ever invented. I buy a pair of jeans on every third shopping trip. This cannot be controlled.

16. I’m not entirely sure what I did with my spare time before the internet.

17. I loathe details. In any situation, just give me the facts/what I need to know. I will figure the rest out.

18. At any given time, there are no less than 3 different types of shampoo/conditioner in my shower. I feel it’s in the best interest of my locks to rotate. (Little-known tips from Topanga!)

19. I love to travel…specifically to resorts on the beach in faraway places. The weird part is that I hate the beach. I will spend ALL my time by the pool…but the resort MUST have a beach.

20. I’ve always wanted to be a blonde.

21. If MTV could make a show out of my inner monologues, I’m pretty sure I’d be rich. Then I could get my Aztek.

22. I want to have Lasik surgery more than anything else on the earth but am certain I will be that 1 in 1,000,000 statistic that goes blind.

23. To that point, if I had to choose to be either deaf or blind, I would choose to be deaf.

24. I want a tattoo but am pretty sure I’m not cool enough for it. I even have it designed…drew it at a bar before a Spice Girls’ concert.

25. Yeah. I went to a Spice Girls concert…and it was AWESOME.

AAAHHHH so my friend Allison TOTALLY reminded me of the weirdest fact about me that I inadvertently left off the list. (Pregnant brain, maybe?) Anyway, here it is:

26. This one summer camp...(true story) I was found ASLEEP 1 approximately 1 mile from my cabin in the middle of the night. I had an issue with sleepwalking and some genius thought it smart to put me in the bunk next to the door. I don't recall anything, except waking up just before they found me and screaming/crying hysterically. I was in therapy for 1 year following this incident. After that, I was always in the bunk farthest from the door at camp and my counselors would lock the doors at night. Serious.

Thursday, January 29, 2009

The Remote Trick.

Preface: for what it's worth, I totally posted this yesterday (Thursday), but for some reason it didn't show up until today (Friday)...even though the post says "Thursday." Whatever. I still maintain my perfect post record this week.

I've been trying to capture the remote trick since I blogged about it a week or so ago. But, it seems that the WIPster is very camera shy, because the second I hit "record" he stops moving. And, in turn, when I hit "stop recording," he starts again. He's going to be a handful when he's a teenager.

I wish I could bring my TV remote to work, because I could capture some serious movement between the hours of 9am-11am. Or maybe I will take it to Panera. He seems to really like the cookies there.

Regardless, here's what I was able to capture. It's not his best work, but it will do for now. And yes, we were watching "House" when I recorded this.

Also - This is why WIP will be encouraged to get dirty...and maybe even eat some dirt. :) (Thanks, Allison!)

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Hump Day, Bump Day!

Drumroll please...I'm officially in the third trimester!! (Well, some sources say it's as early as 25, but I'm going with 28.) Glass half-full: I'm 2/3 done gestating. Glass half empty: There's still 1/3 to go.

Here's the bump at week 28 (note that I wore my classiest tee shirt for today's shoot...I believe there's even a hole or two in the shoulder you can't see. Just call me Gisele.):

"Congratulations, Kristi! You're 28 Weeks Pregnant. Your baby measures about 10 inches from crown to rump, or a total length of about 15.75 inches from head to toe, and weighs about 2.4 pounds. He is able to dream when sleeping and his eyelids open and close. His lungs are almost fully developed, so there's a good chance that baby would survive if born prematurely. Your uterus extends well above your navel. As baby gets bigger and stronger this month, you may experience leg cramps and mild swelling of ankles and feet, difficulty sleeping, shortness of breath, lower abdominal aches, clumsiness or scattered Braxton Hicks contractions (hardening and relaxing of the uterus). These contractions are normal but if they start showing a pattern, call your health care provider. You may also be urinating more frequently as the uterus continues to push on your bladder."

I'm quite sure it's impossible to "urinate more frequently." I'm in the wizzer every 10 minutes. True story. No BH contractions yet, but I'm sure if/when they happen I will totally freak out. That might be a blog entry worth popping some corn for.

I'm excited we're getting to the "safe zone" for premature birth. Not that I anticipate the lil' bugger wanting out of his cozy playground, but it's still nice to know.

In other news, I won free tickets to a private screening of "New In Town" with Renee Zellweger and Harry Connickmyboyfriend, Jr. last night. It was sponsored by FOX2 News' Ladies' Night Program - so imagine Joe's elation when I told him he could be my +1. It was a fun night overall...we appreciated the free date night. But, save yourself some moolah and add it to your Netflix queue. It was cute, but cast totally wrong. Well, except HCJ. He can do no wrong.

Tuesday, January 27, 2009


I know I already posted today, but this was FAR too perfectly perfect to not share with all my friends, stalkers and accidental visitors.

My friend and colleague, Marissa, is also PG with her first child. She's about 2 months behind me, so when we do get the chance to talk about non-work related things, it's usually an exchange of pregnancy-related drama and the like.

I called her yesterday to share my hilariously frustrating story about my quest to get maternity leave/FMLA time locked down (more frustrating than hilarious...story for another post). Anyway, at the end of the call I was sharing with her some good news that I had just been told by a friend - that most insurances will cover some or all of the cost of a breast pump (though they don't like to tell you about it!). Simply have your doc write a prescription and fill it at the hospital pharmacy. (Can I get a WOOT, WOOT!?)

One thing led to another (sorry to those in the office who overheard me say "breast" one too many times) and then she started telling me about this ridic ad she and her hubby saw in a PG magazine - something about a very corporate looking woman clearly on a conference call with her shirt all open while some magical hands-free breast pump was working away. I instructed her I had to see this ad...and rather immediately. Behold:

I know you're laughing, right? But props to the masterminds behind this insane ad, because not only am I blogging about it, you will all remember it and probably tell your friends, too. It's Advertising 101. Brills. And also pretty darn hilarious.

And, for and extra giggle, Marissa asks the following questions of the ad in question:
  1. Why is she so happy about this situation?
  2. Who is she talking to?
  3. What is she writing in her daily agenda? (12:30 p.m. – “hook up awesome new bustier” 12:32 p.m. – "make a business call")
  4. Um yeah, WHO IS SHE TALKING TO?

Can you imagine that call?

Boss: "Yes, so I need to review the fourth quarter TPS reports ASAP."

Mom/Employee: "Oh, yes, Mr. Bossman. I will fax those over to you as soon as I suction these pumps off my boobies and button up my shirt. I'm on it!"

I mean, really.

Let Me Tell You What You Can Do With That Measuring Tape.

I am fearful that much like the priesthood, seamstresses are a dying profession. Literally.

Is it just me or is every seamstress employed by bridal shops about a zillion years old? I mean, really. The lady who altered my wedding dress was the youngest I've ever encountered and she was pushing 60.

The same can be said for the seamstress at the place we ordered our dresses for Jill and Kyle's wedding. She was 85 going on a trillion...and a little senile to boot. (What? She totally was!)

Anyway, here's how it went: we all took our turns in the dressing room trying on the dress - yes, even I tried it on and it was hilarious. The dress itself is beautiful - navy skirt, navy sweetheart top with a white ribbon and SPARKLES!

Then we all got our turn with Grandma-the-seamstress in the dressing room. Yes, even me. Keep in mind I am due in April and the wedding is in August.

After we were all measured she took us to the front desk and compared our measurements to the size chart to recommend a size to order.

When it was my turn, I reiterated my due date and the wedding date. Grams slid her glasses down her noes to better see the size chart and scrolled her finger down one of the columns to find my size.

"Well, according to this, honey, we'll need to order you this size," she said rather condescendingly.


I said, "Well, I mean no disrespect, but that has to be wrong. I just tried on the sample 8 skirt and it fit - short of 3 inches at the top that wouldn't zip because I am SEVEN. MONTHS. PREGNANT."

She just shrugged her shoulders and reiterated, "Well, honey, that's what the chart says."

After a few minutes of polite arguing, she realized she was looking at the wrong columns and conceded the victory. I mean, really. A 28?

So, the good news is that the dress is on order (NOT a 28) and I can now go shopping for shoes!! The bad news is that some other sucker is probably in there today not bold enough to sass back to Grams and will end up wearing a tent to her brother's wedding.

Monday, January 26, 2009


It's Monday (like I needed to tell you that) AND I'm miserable. It's like that own version of a no-good-very-bad-day.

Yes, this is a pity post. Deal. I've been sick for THREE weeks now and all I want to do is OD on Advil Cold & Sinus and sleep for 4 days. What's worse, Joe's going to the doc today to get himself a Z-Pack. Why can't we suffer and be miserable together? I did, after all, agree to that whole "for better or worse" thing...

To top it off, I took a sneek peak at my Week 28 update and it's chock full o' good news for the WIPpersnapper and notsogoodnews for me. Granted, I would cut off a limb for the little man, but still.

I suppose the light at the end of the tunnel is that today can only go up, up, up. I'm anticipating the uppage occuring right around 5:30 when I step into my glorious sweatpants and snuggle in with Jake and Joey for the evening. The countdown begins!

Saturday, January 24, 2009

"Pre" Anything.

Yesterday at work I was sent an email with a call to action to "pre-register" for a webinar.


How is that different from registering? It's the same, exact process. You are not pre-doing anything. Same with pre-paying. You are not pre-paying; you are simply paying. Paying in advance? Sure. But not pre-paying.

It's something that has always bothered me...feels good to get it off my chest.

In other news, today is the day I order my dress for Kyle and Jill's wedding. Eeep! I'll be sure to let you know how it goes (and how hard I get laughed at).

Friday, January 23, 2009

Could You Please Use That In A Sentence?


According to my pals Merriam & Webster, "fun" is: 1: what provides amusement or enjoyment; specifically: playful often boisterous action or speech; 2: a mood for finding or making amusement; 3a: amusement , enjoyment b: derisive jest: sport, ridicule.

E.g. - "It is fun to play Mario Kart on Nintendo Wii." Also: "I have fun when I go shopping at the mall."

In this month's issue of "Fit Pregnancy," they have scattered "Pregnancy Fun Facts" all over the pages. Allow me to provide you with some golden nuggets of wisdom and per usual, my snarky commentary follows in italics:
  1. During pregnancy, my uterus will grow to 1,000 times its normal size. (WTF? Seriously?)
  2. 17% of women try to lose weight while pregnant. (...and those women are MORONS)
  3. Pregnant women who use cell phones are 54% more likely to have children with behavioral problems at age 7. (Me and the Verizon guy need to have a chatty-chat. Um, you know...face to face, I guess.)
  4. Babies born to moms who have low levels of vitamin D are more likely to have signs of tooth decay at 16 months than babies whose mothers had adequate levels of the vitamin during pregnancy. (Have you seen my, Chiclets? My kid's totally gonna be fine.)

Everyone who thinks the above list sounds *fun*, please raise your hand. [no movement from the blogosphere]

Just as I suspected. Whoever wrote this list is probably the same d-bag that wrote the 20 week update. He needs to be fired, stat.

So here's a list of truly fun pregnancy facts - straight from this momma's mouth:

  1. The first time you feel your baby kick is insanely awesome. There are no words to describe it. Granted, you will have your days when you want to kick back, but this is about the fun, no?
  2. Eating ice cream with abandon is a cherished gift. Breakfast, lunch, dinner - whatever tickles your fancy. Embrace it!
  3. Registering...weeellll, that's notsofun. Getting a bunch of awesome presents, however, totally is.
  4. Listening to your hubby (or life partner, we don't discriminate here) ramble on and on about how cool it's going to be to have someone to take fishing. (Because clearly, I'm only on the boat for the suntan.)

The above list is f-u-n. Like, pee yourself after laughing at the greatest joke ever told by Jim Gaffigan fun. Take note, people at "Fit Pregnancy." Take note.

And this is not a fun fact, but according to the ads for Palmer's in this month's issue, Laila Ali is totes still prego. (Not true, people! I equate this error to opening a current issue of "People" only to find out that Jess and Nick have just broken up. Get with it!)

Thursday, January 22, 2009

Am I Alone In This?

I think I have a complex. And I think I need to seek help for it. Urgently.

But maybe there's hope...maybe other bloggers/writers experience this same thing, and if so - I need to know I'm not in this alone!!

I find that as I'm living my day, I look at things from the perspective of an author. I often think to myself, "Self, that was a very funny moment. How would you incorporate that into your blog? How would you write it? Would it be funny or serious? Would you use parallel structure and alliteration? Will you continue to think in third person? Because if so, that's a whole 'nother blog post."

I'm literally thinking about things as they happen and then immediately writing the blogs in my head. Is this a sickness?

On a similar note, I've always wondered what language multi-lingual people think in. Like, if I could speak French and English, would I think in French or in English - or both, even? I asked a friend once and she said that at work (where she speaks English) she usually thinks in English. But at home (where they speak Chinese), she thinks in Chinese. It absolutely fascinates me.

Another thing that's always befuddled me are colors. For instance, you and I both see grass as "green" because we were trained to call the color of grass green. But what if the green YOU see is actually what I see as pink...but you call it "green" because that's what you've been trained to do? Same with the sky - we know to call it "blue" but what if my blue is YOUR yellow? AAHHHH it makes my head want to explode!

I know that I'm weird. I embrace my weirdness. But I can't help thinking there are other weirdos out there that ponder these same mystical wonders...

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Hump Day, Bump Day!

Ahhh, Week 27. I'm now just 3 weeks shy of 30 - which is nice because I like round numbers. Well, I guess that's not entirely true, because I'm the weirdo who sets her alarm for 6:01 a.m. because 6:00 a.m. just seems to darn early. I guess I'm fickle like that.

Here's the bump this week. In the interest of full disclosure, you should know that I actually scared myself walking past a trophy case at work yesterday...I kicked it in reverse and walked past it again just to verify that, indeed, I was that ginormous. Reflective surfaces used to be my friend!

"Congratulations, Kristi! You're 27 Weeks Pregnant. Your baby measures about 9.6 inches from crown to rump and weighs a little more than 2 pounds. Hands are active and muscle coordination is such that he can get his thumb into his mouth. Thumb-sucking calms the baby and strengthens his cheek and jaw muscles. Your baby can cry now, too. You may see stretch marks as your uterus continues to expand. Most women have gained about 16 to 22 pounds by now. Balance and mobility also may be changing as you grow larger."

I LOVE that he can suck his thumb. I'm jealous of all the women that have ultrasound pictures of their babies sucking their thumbs. It's just the sweetest thing.

Knock on wood, I'm still safe in the stretch mark zone. I'm more or less religious about slathering the fancy-pantsy lotion all over myself every morning and night (best gift ever, Cait) and I hope it continues to work. As far as the poundage, I'm still on the lower end of the recommendation, but I fear that will slowly rise over the next few weeks.

...and about that balance and mobility thing. Wowee, they ain't kidding! It takes me, on average, 3 attempts to get off the couch and roughly 4 hefty heave-ho's to get out of a car (thank goodness Joe and I both have SUVs). I'm considering making my desk chair my primary mode of transportation, making Roger wheel me around the office from meeting to meeting. Weeeeeeee!!!!!!

In other news, I feel that I should give you an update on how our Netflix experience is going. We're currently in the middle of season 2 of "How I Met Your Mother" and I can't believe I haven't been watching this show from the beginning! It's AMAZING. Legendary, even. If you're not a follower, get on board and be sure to go back and watch the first few seasons, too. I promise you won't be disappointed.

...I literally just spilled my oatmeal alllll over myself. AND I'm wearing a new sweater today. It can only get better, right?

Shout Outs.

Yesterday I paid a visit to one of the people I cherish most on this planet: my chiropractor.

I know some people think chiropractic medicine is voo-doo, or that it doesn't work...but I am living proof that it's the greatest form of alternative medicine that exists. I've been going since I was 13 (Kyle's friend decided to football tackle me in the basement when I was doing a headstand) to relieve neck and back pain...and Dr. Noomie is absolute magic. I adore her. If she were to retire in my lifetime I would probably cry.

And call me crazy, but I know it helps with WIP, too. There's research that proves chiropractic care during pregnancy can help to properly position the baby, ease back pain and make labor and delivery a little...easier. And let's be honest, I'll try anything to help with that!

To that point, there are some other service providers in my life that deserve some mad props for helping to make my life a little better. For instance:

Chris - my mom's nail tech. She taught me to never underestimate the power of the perfect mani/pedi.

Ryan - a MAC makeup artist with humble beginnings at the MAC counter @ Macy's in Grand Rapids. He's since moved up in the world to the actual MAC store in Chicago. Word. He taught me proper application and color use. For that, I am eternally grateful. And while I'm at it, a shout out to MAC for making pretty much the best makeup line in existence.

Bert - a salon owner in the bustling metropolis of Auburn, MI. This man knows how to cut hair...he's a mastermind. I'm sad that I now have to pay 4x as much for a much lesser cut/style in Metro Detroit, but I fear there is no hope to get him to move here.

So to the people mentioned above and to every other service provider that I visit, thankyouverymuch for being awesome at what you do.

In other news, today is a great day. Why, you ask? Because while it feels like a Monday, it's actually Tuesday. That means tomorrow is already HDBD!!

Sunday, January 18, 2009

Not Bad For A Sunday.

Soooooooo...let's review what the VeeDub's have been up to today, shall we?

Joey woke me up for church a little after 8 a.m. Naturally, I fell back asleep and he went outside to shovel the mountains of snow that Mother Nature has so graciously dumped upon us over the last few days. Four violent snooze button whacks later, I managed to drag myself out of bed and went about preparing myself for the day.

We ended up being ridiculously late for the 9:45 service, so we opted instead to run a few errands and grab breakfast before the 11:15 service. Brills, no? Lowes, Target, Ram's Horn (my hashbrowns were cooked in no less than 1 stick of butter)...that's how we roll.

So the morning was fabulously productive...and then we walked back in the door.

In no way am I exaggerating when I say to you that I have not moved from my pleasant location on the couch since approximately 1 p.m. except to use the loo, get more water/snacks/juice or pick up the remote control that I somehow always manage to drop on the floor.

Speaking of the remote control - I've started playing a new game with WIP. I lay on the couch and put the remote control on my belly like a teeter totter (button side down for maximum bounce-age). Every time he ninja roundhouses me, the remote goes FLYING in the air. It's heeee-larious. If you're prego, I highly recommend giving it a whirl for hours and hours of mindless entertainment.

Back to the agenda for the day: I plan on continuing to keep the couch company well into the evening hours. I might make some popcorn and have some CF Diet Pepsi while watching some more "How I Met Your Mother." Yesyesyes...sounds to me like the perfect end to a really strenuous day. :)

Friday, January 16, 2009

Three Things Come Top Of Mind.

Forgive me if you don't get the post title. There are only 3 people in the world who will...and to them, I'm funny. Either way, read on...

1) I think it's imperative that I host a Facebook etiquette class, or maybe even just set up a group that would support me in my efforts to stop improper spellings/use of any and all instances of your vs. you're, insure vs. ensure, their vs. they're vs. there, and the like in the "status" section. I even swear to you I witnessed a desert vs. dessert yesterday. I mean, if there is one thing you should NOT screw up, it's the Gobi and German Chocolate Cake. Am I right?

2) To that point, how many times is too many times to add someone as a friend? I say you get two chances. You get the first shot for free, hoping they will recognize your picture (that said, your picture MUST be current, not circa 1999 when you were having a really great hair phase). On your second shot, I recommend you put in a personal message referencing who you are (maybe you lost 100 pounds, got married or got a sex change since I last saw you?) and how I know you. Help to jog my memory...I am pregnant, after all. Bottom line: nine times is approximately seven times too many to add anyone as your friend. Seriously, give up.

3) What say you about Kelly Clarkson's new song, "My Life Would Suck Without You"? Personally, I enjoy the jam. It's good cleaning music. Not that I ever clean...but if I did...

In other news, (I can't add a 4th to the would mess the up the "top of mind" mojo) I'm sick. And it SUCKS. I absolutely loathe the act of sneezing when I'm not pregnant - I think it is violently disgusting. But it's soooo much worse when you're pregnant. I liken it to having the strongest man in the world tear my ribcage apart from the center at the climax of the sneeze and then letting go instantaneously - forcing all my inner organs to SLAM together in the most excruciatingly painful nanosecond of my life. Sounds glorious, no? Let's hope I get over this quickly.

Thursday, January 15, 2009

Happy Birthday, Hubby!!

I adore birthdays. And while my own birthday has to be my absolute favorite day on the PLANET, Joey's comes in a close second. I'm sure WIP's birthday will eventually scoot to the #1 spot, thought...

Regardless, today is a day to celebrate the birth of one Joseph A. Van Wormer. Cue the Streamers! Balloons! Noisemakers! Singing! ("I'm siiiiinging. I'm in a store and I'm siiinging!")

Yes, I am awesome at Microsoft Paint, thankyouverymuch for noticing. And before you even ask, there is no birthday bootcamp for him. I know...such a selfish wife am I. But it's not because I haven't offered; he's just not as birthday-crazed as I am. So, we will spend the evening at home crafting a mind-blowing birthday cake.

What was that? You want more deets on the cake? Ask and you shall receive, my pupils...

My grandma invented (probably not the actual original innovator, but whatever) the ice cream cake long ago for her children. It's basically layers of chocolate cake and vanilla ice cream completely coated in Cool Whip, then frozen solid. Um, yeah, it's amazing. My mom adopted the tradition and makes them every March 13, November 1, April 8 and December 7 for my dad, Kelli, Kyle and me.

When Joey married into our little clan, he also began getting the cakes. But in his quest to continually improve everything on this planet (why he's not an engineer I'll never know) he has since made some of his own famous cakes...with a slight twist. For my birthday, he opted to layer chocolate chip and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a chocolate chip cake. Delicious, but not as delicious as the original. And, for our friend Mike's birthday, he went with a Neapolitan theme - layering white cake with chocolate, strawberry and vanilla ice cream and using chocolate Cool Whip for the frosting. Again, delicious...but not as delicious as the OG of all ice cream cakes.

So, for his big day we're going balls-out. Instead of the traditional round cake sliced horizontally to make a stacked round cake, we're using bread pans to make a loaf cake. And he's going with the chocolate cake option paired with mint chocolate chip and peanut butter swirl ice cream layers.

I will either love it or vomit. I'll let you know either way.

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Hump Day, Bump Day!

Weeeeeeeeeeek 26!!

I'm starting to actually feel enormous. Case in point: I put on a shirt this morning that wasn't long enough to cover my tum tum. Mind you, it was a maternity shirt...and a cute one at that. Keliann, looks like you're getting some new shirts to get you through the next few months! :)

Sleeping is getting slightly more difficult - probably due in part to the ceremonial nightly ice cream ingestion. Whoopsie. Maybe that's what's causing the dreams...

"Congratulations, Kristi! You're 26 Weeks Pregnant. Your baby measures about 9.2 inches from crown to rump and weighs almost 2 pounds now. Its hearing is fully developed. As the fetus reacts to sounds, its pulse increases. Your baby will even move in rhythm to music. Lungs are growing but are not yet mature. Patterns of your baby's brain waves appear like a full-term newborn. It also has patterns of sleeping and waking. The baby's constant movements should be reassuring. You'll be putting on weight at the rate of about 1 pound per week now. You may be feeling some rib pain as your baby grows and pushes upward on your rib cage. The pressure may also cause indigestion, heartburn and shortness of breath. You may even be feeling stitch-like pains down the sides of your abdomen as your uterine muscle stretches."

Yeah...about that pound a week plan. About that. And about WIP's patterns of sleeping and waking. Let me tell you what those are like. Awake: 11 pm - 2 am; 4 am - 7 am. Sleeping: the rest of the time. Nice, right? And if what they say is true about schedules in the womb matching the newborn schedule, I'm screwed.

So, that's the fun for Week 26. My outlook is bright - not only do I get to become a whale, but I will also start to breathe like a 2-pack-a-dayer and continue with this ridic heartburn. Oh, and I'm told my shoes won't fit soon and that my wedding rings will be on sausage fingers. Pregnancy is NOT beautiful. I don't care what you people say.

**Edited to add: I honestly do love being pregnant. Please don't misconstrue my sarcasm and snarkiness as being a Negative Nancy. I know this whole experience is a blessing, and I'm enjoying the's just more fun and entertaining when I complain about it.

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Dreams Really Do Come True.

And I'm not talking Disney World, people. I'm talking real sleeping dreams - the crazy pregnant kind.

Even in a state of non-pregnancy, I've been known to have weird dreams. I usually remember them, and they usually have some odd connection to something strange or new that I talked about or experienced that day. For instance, yesterday I blogged about my Carrie Underwood salon fantasies, and last night (in my dreams) I sang the National Anthem with her in my Grandmother's bathroom. It gets worse. It was at my Grandma's Donny Osmond.

And I'm not talking the young and beautiful version of my Grandma. We're talking current state - 80+ years old, hearing shot, bad-back Grandma...and also the current (creepy) version of teeth-too-white Donny Osmond. I hope they are happy together. I really think they have what it takes to make it in this world. :)

I've got Carrie Underwood's presence figured out. Donny Osmond is a mystery to me - the only thing I can think would trigger it is that yesterday I read an email about some Miss America party/fundraiser that Marie Osmond will be at. You see the connection? And the wedding comes into play because I've been thinking (stressing) about the dress I have to order soon for my brother's wedding..."Hi, yes. I'm 6 months pregnant. I'm also a mind reader so I would like to order this dress in the magical size I am willing myself to be 3 months after birthing my first child. Oh, a 2 you say? Yes please!" (Now there's a dream if I've ever heard one...)

And, of COURSE, the bathroom. That one is perfectly clear; no explanation needed. Why shouldn't I dream about the place where I currently spend 83.96% of my day?

I'm sure this is the first of many near-psychotic pregnant dreams. I already know what you're thinking...and no, the sea turtle dream was not a result of gestation. I maintain it was a direct result of the White Castle. Case closed.

Monday, January 12, 2009

Back To It.

Whoosh. Today was the dreaded and slightly anticipated back-to-work day. We've been off since Christmas Eve...I know, right?

So far, so good. Got my ultimate fave, Chipotle, for lunch...a nice switch from last week, when Joe and I were practicing "Great Depression" week and vowed to not eat out. Come to think of it, I should have been blogging about our food escapades last week. Oh well.

I've been awake for more consecutive hours today than I was for all of break, and I think my body went into shock at 2 p.m. when I didn't eat a bowl of ice cream followed by a nap. I need to put my feet up. I have raging heartburn from my deliciously poor choice in lunch. My stomach barely fits under my desk. I'm generally annoyed...can you tell?

On the bright side, I have a hair appointment tonight. And what girl doesn't love getting pampered at the salon? They usually have 2 girls blow dry my hair at the same time - so I pretend that I'm a brunette Carrie Underwood headed to a very glam red carpet event. You know, like the "Glowing Prego" awards or something like that.

In shout-out news, I must address the following:
  • Mad props to my sister, Kelli, who ran the Disney 1/2 marathon on Saturday. I'm told she lived through it (running every step of the race, nonetheless) and I couldn't be more proud of her. Go girl!!
  • I'm pleased to announce that WIP will have a new friend in August! My friends Keliann and Michael are expecting...yippie!! Funny story, actually...I made Keliann come with me on my first "date" with Joe (group work outing for Joe's b-day). Michael happened to work with me at the time and was also at the party. At the end of the night, it was just the four of us left at the bar...and the rest, they say, is history. They were married August 4, 2007 and we were married August 31. Our lives always seem to be in sync to experience all the fun stuff together! :)

Sunday, January 11, 2009

Fit For A King. promised, here's a sneak peek at the lil' bugger's room. Take note that it's not completely done - it's missing some serious ingredients...most notably, the crib and changing table. It's also missing some decorations; those are on order.

But first, you must get a glimpse of what it used to be: our office/spare bedroom. And while I miss my desk, what's there now is much better. Agree?

And now, for the "after" shots:

Bookshelf with some MUCH needed extra storage.

This is where the crib will eventually go. The bedding is waiting there patiently!

New dressers! I love the's the perfect size for his clothes. And it's almost full!!

The changing table will go where the hope chest is now. Not sure where the hope chest will go after that...but it's an heirloom from my Grandpa, so I want to try to keep it in the room. Plus, it's nice to store blankets.

This is my favorite spot in the whole room. The stuffed animal is one of the first things I bought when I found out I was pregnant. It's a hippo, but we call it Wippo. :)

I'll post another batch once we get some of the decorations up, and for sure once we have the crib and changing table.


Blah. It's Sunday. But not just any's the dreaded Sunday, after which I (we) must return to work. It's been a glorious 2.5 weeks, and the time actually didn't fly by like I expected. We were able to spend a lot of time together (teetering on the edge of too much) and got a LOT done on the house. All in all, I would say it's been a success - just enough vacation balanced with just enough manual labor.

As for Jake, I think every day is Sunday for him. Lucky dog. Take a look at what we just caught him doing:

Yep, he's just chillin' with his butt in the snow, watching the the birds at the feeder. And although he looks sweet and innocent, I assure you his intentions are not. He's actually watching the birds in a feeble attempt to trick the squirrels. It's as if he's saying to them, "See? I'm just a nice dog, watching the birdies. You can come over here, little squirrels, and I will watch you, too." And by "watch," he assuredly means "chase all over the back yard until you outsmart me by going up a tree."

Friday, January 9, 2009

Pinch Me.

Am I still alive? Did we survive registering?

The answers are yes and barely. In that order.

It should be known that I am married to the king of research. I'm not joking when I tell you he renewed his subscription to "Consumer Reports" before we did our bridal registry because he was freaked out that our dustbuster would suck (pun intended) or that our china pattern would have poor customer reviews.

As far as the wedding registry goes, we totally survived. (Well, if you ignore that one time he almost had a mental breakdown in Bed, Bath and Beyond because we couldn't agree on a shower curtain. Or when I started crying because the soap dispenser I wanted was being discontinued. Come see our bathroom's very nice, I assure you.)

Don't get me wrong, we love shopping together. In fact, I'm quite sure I've only been to the grocery story without him on 2 occasions. And the one time he went without me it because I was on the couch seconds from death, and he was fetching popsicles and Gatorade. We're a team, and a damn good one at that.

For some reason registering for WIP had me at my wits end. I chalk most of it up to my raging hormones and plummeting concentration levels, but whatev. Add that to Joe's compulsive need to have the best of the best (which I adore and appreciate, btw) and we were a wreck. Pots, pans, bedsheets and candles were easy-peasy for the wedding, but I think we both felt that if we got the wrong carseat or high chair that our child might spontaneously self-combust.

So here's what I propose to the world...and it's an amazing idea, so brace yourself. I think there should be 3 standards for baby registries: Gold, Silver and Bronze. Parents that want everrrrything from wipe warmers to organic bedsheets would register for the Gold registry. Simply scan one barcode, type in your name, pick the sex of your baby (if applicable) and VIOLA! - instant baby registry with everything you could possibly ever need. Silver would have all the bare necessities with a few extras and the Bronze would just be enough to keep your kid alive.

It's brilliant. Kind of like Barney's "Lemon Law" for dating on "How I Met Your Mother." It's a legendary's hoping it takes off.

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

Dear Everyone...

Joe and I are going to register tomorrow. I've already started adding things here and there online, but there's nothing like seeing something in person to make you want it more, right?

Thusly, I'm starting to freak. Kids should only need food, clothing and shelter. And I've got the food locked down, Joe's painting the shelter and Grandma Joette has more than taken care of the clothing what the heck else do we need?

According to Babies 'R Us, a whole friggin' lot. Whose idea was it to invent 80 billion types of bottles? Can't there be ONE bottle that reduces gas, perfects formula flow AND is BPA free? I mean, pregnant women are already the most testy, confused and emotional beings on the planet, so why add to the stress?!?

I digress...and I need your help. They say that the best advice comes from those who've lived it, so please...give me all your tips. Please leave a comment or shoot me an email ( and tell me about the 3 or 4 things/products you could absolutely not live without. Diaper Genie? Wipe Warmer? Stroller? Desitin? Inquiring minds NEED to know!!

Thank you in advance. And, for what it's worth, I think that wipe warmers are ridiculous. My kid will not have one. :)

Hump Day, Bump Day!

Is it Wednesday again, already? Sheesh, where does the time go when you're on vacation? :)

Actually, those (who stalk) with Facebook know we've been quite busy. Well, Joe's been quite busy. Today I'm blogging from the East Lansing apartment of my bestie, Caitlin. She's slaving away at her very important lawyer job and I'm lazily blogging from her comfy couch with TLC on in the background. (Yay for me.) The only thing that would make this moment more perfect would be some coffee…but we all know how that would end. Joey's at home, finishing the last of the painting...again, simply the best.

Well, I'm going strong at Week 25. I had an appointment on Monday - they checked my blood glucose (crappy, disgusting orange drink made me want to vom) and thyroid levels again. Results should be back by tomorrow, but since I didn’t collapse on the floor in the hour I was waiting for the crappy orange drink to do its thang, I think I’m cool.

Here’s the bump-a-lump this week. (Wow, I know.)

You’ll notice the magical black pants are missing, and the tummy is clothed rather than bare. Well, I sorta forgot to pack the mystical pants…and the jeans are the full-panel kind. Notsomuch suitable for the droppage of the trou, if you’re pickin’ up what I’m throwin’ down.

“Congratulations, Kristi! You're 25 Weeks Pregnant. Your developing baby now measures about 8.8 inches from crown to rump and weighs 1.5 pounds. Skin now becomes opaque instead of transparent. Its body is still covered with folds of skin like a puppy that need to grow into its skin. The heartbeat can be heard through a stethoscope or, depending on the position of the baby, by others putting an ear against your belly. Besides your uterus growing upward, it may be getting bigger on the sides of your abdomen.”

(So are they telling me I have TWO puppies? Jake will just die…)

Another update I get says that at week 25, WIP is able to touch and hold his feet and make a fist…pretty sure he practices the fist part about 11 o’clock very night. I predict he will be verrrrrrry good at Wii boxing when he finally emerges into this world.

I’m headed back home later this afternoon to smooch my hubby and check out all his hard work – the house is finally done!! Now we just need to add one more little member to our clan and it will be a home. April, here we come!

Sunday, January 4, 2009

Never. Again.

I've never considered myself to be an overly proud person. With the rare exception when I am without a doubt right in a debate vs. Joe, I will almost always admit when I'm wrong...or when I've done something wrong. I think it's good for the soul to not hold onto things.

That said, I would like to announce to the blogosphere that I've done something wrong. Horribly, horribly wrong and I'm actually a little bit ashamed to admit it to you.

I ate White Castle last night. Well, technically this morning. At 2 a.m.

I suppose I owe you some sort of backstory on this. It should be known that this was not some freakish pregnancy craving (I really never have those, actually), nor am I an avid White Castle connoisseur (including this incident, I've only eaten there twice).

Joe and I were up late working on the nursery (putting together an armoire after the midnight hour actually turned out well for us...go fig). When we were done, we were chilling on the couch together - each with our laptops open to Facebook trying to get millions on MobWars (it's a sad addiction, I know). Anyway, the TV was on for background noise and we had it turned to porn for fat people...aka the Food Network channel. "Good Eats" was on, and this particular episode was highlighting the fascination that Americans have with hamburgers. Don't judge, you know you've all seen it. And loved it.

You can see where this is going, right? I don't even think I have to get into the rest of the story, but it sums up to Joe and I hopping in the Jeep and heading 1.7 miles down the road to our friendly neighborhood White Castle at 2 freakin' a.m. for some mini burgers, fries and onion peels.

I regret it more than I can express to you in words or actions. My dreams were ridiculous as a result...and if they come true, I will give birth to a sea turtle in April.

No more White Castle at 2 a.m. for this momma, I assure you.

Friday, January 2, 2009

Such Accomplishment!

I am pleased to report that we're through nearly 50% of that to-do list I went on and on about a few weeks ago. ...and by "we," I mostly mean Joe, since he has been working his tail off doing all the hard jobs. Again, I'm so lucky. :)

Here's a rundown of what we've accomplished.
  • Totally emptied former office. (WAY harder than it sounds.)
  • Moved boxed/bagged contents of former office and GIANT desk, bed and chair into basement.
  • Semi-organized 50% of basement. (You could actually find things down there if you wanted to!)
  • De-Christmased the house. (Also harder than it sounds. As mentioned previously, I am obsessed with Christmas AND bargains. Thus, the after-Christmas sales are nearly irresistible to me. I bought an extra red/green 95 qt. Tupperware container this year and managed to fill it. My count is now going strong at 5.)
  • Shopped for all necessary paint/nursery accoutrements at Lowes. (Wooo! Used the $250 gift card we got for doing our kitchen there.)
  • Painted entire nursery, including trim and should also be noted that the prep work wasn't easy - a great deal of spackling and taping had to be done. (Snaps to Joe for going solo on this task. Due to fumes, I could be found at IKEA and the movies for the duration of this day.)
  • Put up new light in IKEA purchase.
  • Replaced all outlets, switches and outlet covers in nursery.

Tonight we're going to relax a little after dinner, then move in the rug and put together the dresser and armoire...and maybe do a little decorating with some of the items I've been collecting. EEEEEEEEEE we're getting so excited!

I'll post pictures as soon as it's done, promise!